Emotional Shadow

Guess there are some emotions that one can never shake off, for they cling onto you like a shadow. It's not within total control of when they appear and disappear, though you know the conditions that will cause the appearance and disappearance. But as life goes on and situations present themselves such that it's almost impossible to control the appearance or disapperance of it. So then, how nice if the shadowy emotions can lie dormant until they're being triggered by only 1 or 2 varibles.

Maybe

Its the safety of knowing the impossibility of it but the excitiment in calculating the probability.

It all started out with a dream of him. Met him at some arts center, after a long hiatus, got connected there and then and started chatting. He asked what sort if guy i wanted, he'll intro. I told him someone good looking with a lean body. But within, my mind screamed i wanted him ever so badly. Eventually broken down and confessed. He cried as well and said he'll make it work. The ending though was as always. It didn't.

couldn't resist and texted him to see how's he's doing. One thing led to another and in the end i told him about the dream. Have to admit i planned on it after i started to text him.

Him: till now, there's still a place in my heart for you... maybe both of us were young in the past

Me: Don't really know what to say. Could never really forget you all these years. Pathetic eh. Yet on the other hand we try and fail.

The 1st point that hit me wasn't about him, the pain or anything like that but that even in my dreams, there has to be a reality check in there. Like dreams are meant to be illogical. That's why they're dreams. Mine generally works that way but somehow/somewhere along the way, reality strikes. Ain't the first time.

2nd. I kind of believe we do still have mutual feelings for each other, but i also believe that we'll never be able to get our act together. So it's a tragedy in its own.

Right now, i do miss his voice. I do miss the way he ruffled his hand through my hair the last time we met. I do want hug him and I do recall so many flashbacks we had. But we all know the reality of it. Nothing will come out of it.

A rare confession

Can't say I never felt more alone but its pretty close. Its not for the lack of a relationship or maybe it is. Its not knowing who to turn for for comfort. Not knowing who to get a free hug from. Who to hear those 3 words - eveything's going to be okay.

Its not for the lack of a relationship because I'm not yearning for one right now, yet it is at the same time, cause if I had one then maybe I would have had someone to turn to.

Been plagued by certain thoughts for the past 2 weeks, yet perhaps the answers to them are really simple. Maybe I'm being too stubborn to accept the answers/solutions.