Pride and Christmas Spirit

Okay this took 2 deletes, much saving and 2 days in my mind to blog.

Christmas is about redemption. Of God sending down his 1 and only son to save us from our sin. Its either you subscribe to that or that Christmas is where all the fortune 500 make the bulk of their revenue (directly or indirectly)

But mainly apart from all the decorations and merry making and sleeping with Santa (if you're into plus size) or his elves (if you're into midgets). It’s a time to count ones blessing and to start reflecting on the year that's coming to an end. To reflect 365 days in about 5-7 days seem reasonable. Depending if you start from 23 or 25 all the way up to 31 to 1 or 2nd of the next year. Even auditors have a full force and they work for about 2 weeks, give or take.

In my case it was about 2-3 days ago where I was surfing from twitter to latte boy; you tube, to finding out that it was Kristin Chenoweth, to realizing who she was, to wicked; for good. That I reflected on the lyrics of the song.

"I've heard it said That people come into our lives for a reason Bringing something we must learn And we are led To those who help us most to grow If we let them And we help them in return Well, I don't know if I believe that's true But I know I'm who I am today Because I knew you."

It's something that I believe since a young age, perhaps with more conviction then. That I make an impact in people's life, that’s all that matters, is that I do what I can to make life easier and better for them. And should they leave at the end of the day, then its cause I did what I needed to do. In digression from the purpose of this whole entry, then somewhere along the way. I kind of gave up on the self sacrificial 1 way street and insisted/demanded a 2 way street. Not necessary in a 50-50 split but somewhere close to that with a standard deviation of +/-10. Then that didn't really work out and a few years on it’s I'll just do what I can and sod expectations cause they're never met, ie: love oneself more.

Back to topic, it was the last line: But I know I'm who I am today, because I knew you. Which really is true. For the good or bad influence, and no matter how resilient to change consciously, people do and will have an impact on you, like it or not. And if you actually consider the person a friend (present/past tense) that the line definitely stands true. They might not give good advice, be totally useless in certain situations but in that 1 or 2 incidents, I'm sure they'll shine and actually surprise you and put that smile on your face. And you'll wonder how could you survive without that person.

What I’ve realize is that to all that there’s something called pride. In varying degree in all of us, towards different situations and concepts and principals. Pride has been known to be the start of the downfall of many great man. “In general, pride is at the bottom of all great mistakes ”- John Ruskin.

Not that I’m finding excuses for myself, but I do blame the current world we live in, where everything moves at light speed. Gentlemanliness, graciousness tends to be somewhat old fashion. We snap at things and people much faster. It’s a I world, I pod, I touch… Putting self first. And I think we’re obsessed with not being short change.

Yup, short change is the key word. We tend to expect people to make the first move if we feel we’ve been wronged. Making the first step otherwise would be akin to admitting that the mistakes ours. Letting the other part off too easily. And that is, an fine modern classic act of pride.

Which as much as I hate to admit, I’m guilty of it. It’s something that I think I will continue to struggle with and something I’ll find very hard to do. In reference to a biblical verse, Luke 6:29. If someone strikes you on the cheek, offer him the other one as well, and if someone takes your coat, don't keep back your shirt, either. What the verse is about is love. In specific loving your enemies.

And so forgiveness shouldn’t be that hard if there is love. Its hard cause there’s pride. The refusal to budge when one thinks one is wronged. It’s easy to forget or ignore love and thus forgiveness when it’s hardly practiced by anyone else these days. It’s actually easier to harp on the fact that one was wrong. It really is easier to feed on those negative thought then to give that all up and forgive. It really is easier to wallow in self pity, cause it’s a I world we live in. Since no one is going to care for me. I better take charge of the self caring and make sure I’m protected.

But perhaps the only way we are going to make a positive difference in the lives of the people around us, is to learn to let love take over pride. This isn’t going to be easy and we’ll definitely fall short of grace, since we’re all imperfect humans. If we’re going to live in a world of I, then least add another word behind it – care. I care.

*It's the 100th entry, quite good in terms of quantity and quality for a milestone entry.

Christmas

Had an invited to go for a house party on christmas. I rainchecked it till the 11th. Was just really bored and thought it might be good to get out of the comfort zone once in a while and experience something new.

For the records, I'm not a crowd person and I have the worst PR skills. Bet even a mute could do better with his/her body language.

So yeah it was an eye opener. I won't excatly beat myself and be miserable about this. Couple of even candies and quite a bit of successful people there. Doing well basically. And well it's a gentle reminder that I'm way off track from that and I still don't see it happening anywhere in the near future. But with a little optimism, I didn't see myself being an underwriter (esp a medical 1) a couple of years back. When I was looking for jobs, I was still looking for underwriting assistant ones.

But the magic word would be contentment. Which at the current 'mo, Iwould be as long as I have a place (nicely done up) and a car (as a bonus, a contiential one as an additional bonus) So it seems I'm superfical since contentment seems quite materialistic. Well its prolly easier to be contented with the materialistic stuff then the ever unpredictable human relationships. Which can tend to range from draggy to boring to draining.

There was an awww moment there. When this not too bad looking tone body, with evisu jeans, ship broker aj did a long distance call to 1 of his hags in some faraway land. And feeling that love, that missing was really heart touching.

I'll lament about how I never get something like that, and I truly think I do not have something like that. The relationships I have seem so much more complicated and not that deep. Maybe its an I problem. Maybe I'm still living in fairytale land. BFFs, even the people who made that term popular don't seem to be that close anymore, aka Paris & Nicole (Too much american media trash influence?)

People disappoint, that's a fact

Incident 1:
So I learn today of a suspecion I had a few months ago was indeed true.

A present I bought for someone was actually given off the same day. Just like that without a blink of an eye. Sure, there were some circumstances around it. There always will be.

But what friend would give something that one actually took the effort to go down, throng with the crowd and went round and round just to find the item. Yes, I'm princessey. I don't do crowd jostles. But in this case I did.

Well, unappreciated is all I can say I am and have been. But that's the price to pay for loving. Which really isn't a price worth paying.

I actually knew of it that day but decided it better to keep quiet than to ask. Afterall it's about trusting that one wouldn't have been that ungrateful.

Incident 2:
Once asked what is it that makes a relationship tick. The answer was that the equation equals us and not me or you.

So interestingly a month or 2 down. I got a reply that was self centered. " I scared i get loose. Plus i have not been btm for quite a while. "

It's self centered. Cause it's the concern abt the well being of oneself. And it's also a most ill inform statement. One doesn't get loose that easily.

The irony of it being that the preson mention he wished I would have been more expressive with my emotions, feelings. People are strange. They ask for things they are not willing or ready to hear.

Competiton

Don't quite remember having it. Guess I've been lucky? That or a)I really haven been dating enough b)I like the ones who aren't attractive.

Whichever the reason though it's prolly a than luck or b, it does makes things much more interesting. It brings out the competitive edge in one. Yet at the same time there is the need to understand that it's not a competition or a bout of mind games. Seeing the more conniving one win. Rather it should be about realizing just how important the other person is and how badly u want the other person.

Objectively, it's good that he's got options. I like options, I just don't have too many of them.

But I think the odds don't seem to be in my flav. Think he got a little distracted or bored already.


- Posted using BlogPress from Sethologick

Tax exempt donations

Knew it was too good to be true.

My understanding all along was that if you make a donation to an approved chartity by the government, you'll get 2.5X the amount you donated as a tax relief.

What I failed to understand was that the amount reduces your taxable income and it isn't a direct deduction of the tax amount paid.

So unless one makes a huge donation, it's not going to get you to fall into the lower tax bracket and a donation relief of about 250 will result in a tax payable of 10 less.

Rapunzel: A reality

We've all heard of Grimms version of rapunzel.

What we don't know about is the untold reality version.

Rapunzel is actually the enchantress in the story. Abandoment made her a cold, stone person. And in isolation and denial by society, she kept to herself. Resentment spur her desire and creativity to conjour up a tower. Enclosing her in a fortress. And while we only hear the fate of 1 prince. There were actually countless, if not many more, dukes, knights, adonis, peaseants. Basically the whole social caste of society then who fell prey to her. With her enchanted voice she'll lure them. Have them go forlorn over her, causing them insomia. When she finally got bored of them, she'll let down her hair, invite them into the den of great evil, show her true colors and push them all the way down to their death.

He, age 23/4

It gets harder to blog, quantity and quality is very much lesser than those in 2007.

Maybe there needs to be a push factor at times. But with a 140 in a tweet, pretty much anything and everything can be summarized.

So the push factor is a He, age 23/4. Well, gave him my blog addy today. And he shall read at his own risk, of either reading things he likes or he doesn't. Always don't believe in leading a person on intentionally.

Well thought perhaps if he reads, he might know better what he's getting himself into. And with more information, we make better decisions, most of the time. That's the primary reason, the secondary being he got me a song that I've been wanting for the longest of time.

The thing about him that's to like is that the boy's grounded. I think when i was 23, I wasn't that grounded. But then I'm a born dreamer. And yes, he does make me feel old(er). In his very own words, he's more lively.

The downside if there is to be one, is that I'm so use to swinging singlehood. That I can't even grapse how it makes sense to for 2 individuals to be next to each other doing their own thing, when it might be more productive to be doing your own thing at your own pace and place.

Beat heart beat

just can't bring myself to feel anything. The best are emotion leaks from a tap shut tight. I wonder if it's not the right guy or just me. And I'm thinking it's me. Where's the knight in shining amor on a white horse coming along to give the kiss that breaks the spell of lock emotions? Right. fairy tales don't exist in real life.

Emotional Shadow

Guess there are some emotions that one can never shake off, for they cling onto you like a shadow. It's not within total control of when they appear and disappear, though you know the conditions that will cause the appearance and disappearance. But as life goes on and situations present themselves such that it's almost impossible to control the appearance or disapperance of it. So then, how nice if the shadowy emotions can lie dormant until they're being triggered by only 1 or 2 varibles.

Maybe

Its the safety of knowing the impossibility of it but the excitiment in calculating the probability.

It all started out with a dream of him. Met him at some arts center, after a long hiatus, got connected there and then and started chatting. He asked what sort if guy i wanted, he'll intro. I told him someone good looking with a lean body. But within, my mind screamed i wanted him ever so badly. Eventually broken down and confessed. He cried as well and said he'll make it work. The ending though was as always. It didn't.

couldn't resist and texted him to see how's he's doing. One thing led to another and in the end i told him about the dream. Have to admit i planned on it after i started to text him.

Him: till now, there's still a place in my heart for you... maybe both of us were young in the past

Me: Don't really know what to say. Could never really forget you all these years. Pathetic eh. Yet on the other hand we try and fail.

The 1st point that hit me wasn't about him, the pain or anything like that but that even in my dreams, there has to be a reality check in there. Like dreams are meant to be illogical. That's why they're dreams. Mine generally works that way but somehow/somewhere along the way, reality strikes. Ain't the first time.

2nd. I kind of believe we do still have mutual feelings for each other, but i also believe that we'll never be able to get our act together. So it's a tragedy in its own.

Right now, i do miss his voice. I do miss the way he ruffled his hand through my hair the last time we met. I do want hug him and I do recall so many flashbacks we had. But we all know the reality of it. Nothing will come out of it.

A rare confession

Can't say I never felt more alone but its pretty close. Its not for the lack of a relationship or maybe it is. Its not knowing who to turn for for comfort. Not knowing who to get a free hug from. Who to hear those 3 words - eveything's going to be okay.

Its not for the lack of a relationship because I'm not yearning for one right now, yet it is at the same time, cause if I had one then maybe I would have had someone to turn to.

Been plagued by certain thoughts for the past 2 weeks, yet perhaps the answers to them are really simple. Maybe I'm being too stubborn to accept the answers/solutions.

First dates

So I can't really remember when was the last time? That's in part cause the defination of a date would be in a more romantic incline sort of way, in my opinon. Which no one has been able to sweep me off my feet since... I can't even remember.

Anyway by dictionary.com defination:
a social appointment, engagement, or occasion arranged beforehand with another person.

Was on gayromeo, I've no idea why i visited that website, actually i do. Boredom. This guy click me, random chat a little.Pictures he's really just the bloke next door. Nothing great. No prince charming face, no triathlete's body either. Basically another in the street, you'll just miss. One that'll blend into the crowd. His profile said he's harmless and base on his pictures he really look the part. So it was unlikely that I was going to meet someone who'll scrutinze me from head to toe, have a potential bitch factor higher than mine, that'll make me go home feeling lousy. All in all sounds really safe.

We met the next day. He impressed me instantly with his choice of venue for dinner. Prego's. Yes, that's not even 1 michellen star but in all my years, noone has suggested somewhere fanciful for a 1st date. Dinner last 2 hours, and there was a good flow of conversation. So i was pretty much wowed. He took the tab. That totally up the factor. I'm a sucker for chivalry gestures. (Not that i see myself as the helpless dame). So we walked a little, then went for desserts at Laurent Bernard, Robertson walk. Nice place, tad noisy, food so-so. (Cheecake cafe still rocks). Then he sent me home, no contential car but having sent to my door step. I don't complain.

So a first date than span 5 hours. It's just unbelieveable. I think i'm usually more than ready to run once the mains are done.

The one

I wonder where did it all go to. Believing in THE ONE and looking forward to spending years (not a lifetime) with that person.

And I actually realize, quite a fair bit of the people around me have been with the other half for quite a while. And I don't excatly envy. Yes, I'm happy for them but I can't visualize myself being with another person for years.

Dating (if that's what it's called) is starting to be quite a hassle. Feeling obligated to meet that person, even when its just once a week. Once is alright. 2 times seems a bit too much and anything more than that is overwhelming.

I'm used to singlehood. I'm not what one will call a raging stallion who's going out there to set some world record in fucking the most guys, dating the uber hots ones, yada yada.

If any, then it's prolly a bit worrying that there's a desire lacking in everything. lacklusture.

1 too many

For being greedy, I now suffer the reprecussions. Actually I blame Anders. I really didn't need the extra 3 flutes.

So there was a new club opening last night. Not excatly new but they decided to have boys night there. Sterolounge @ Pan Pacific Hotel. For the last 10 years, there hasn't been enough market to support 2 places, given that sunday events tend to be at places with bigger areas.

So Sterosundays decided to go out with a big bang, free flow bubbly from 9-1. And they really didn't stop the flow. Right upon stepping in, you get 1 drink waiting for you. Then everytime they take away your empty flute, they'll ask you if you want another.

So by the end of the night, I prolly had 1/2 bottle. My usual would be 3-4 flutes, which prolly is 1/4 bottle. This resulted in puking every hour upon coming home. And it's a torture, it totally burns the throat and bubbly is gasy and dry and you literally puke foam. Not nice. Almost 24hrs later, the stomach is still churning.

Sterolounge, pretty similar to Attica. There's a lounge area and there's the dance floor. They get in different DJs, so the spin sets are not predictable. Unfortunately Zica has the huge, mega screens which sterolounge doesn't, otherwise it'll be perfect!

Clientele at stero is totally different from Zica, have never seen most of them. An older clientele. So now they might battle it out, sterolounge vs zica. I'm betting on sterolounge!

MIRA Training

There was the Munich Re training today. As usual, I'm the only guy my age, the rest of them are old farts, and one day I'm going to be an old fart like them.

But it was also like a gathering of sorts, which i felt quite displaced. I'm 95% sure i'm the most junior underwriter there. My table was like an old ladies gathering. Was on the same table as a reinsurance company's ex chief underwriter.

Then there were a few head of departments in the other tables as well. It feels good to be given the opportunity to attend such training. Quite certain if i was in my previous company, this would never have happened.

Yet when it comes to case studies, it feel pressurising. Basically any potential boss/colleguge is there. And once again reminded the industry can be quite the bitch fest if it wants to be.

Limits up

With effect 1 Aug 2009.

Term Life:
prev limits: 350,000
new limits: 750,000

Living Care:
prev limits: 350,000
new limits: 400,000

Disability:
prev limits: 35,000
new limits: 30,000

Medical:
prev limits: STD and Sub-standard
new limits: All decisions

Having the new limits are good in the long run, (ie: changing job). It's good for my SE & Boss, now they have less work to do, and I'm happy for them. They've been overworked too long. But it makes underwiting more stressful, given the additional responsibilities. Amusingly, livingcare for group is cap at 300,000 and our limites are 400,000. 'Course when we start on individual health, it's going to be a different story altogether.

Senior Underwriter?

As with people who are full of themselves, I/We also need to tolerate and work with people who through connections get a better position than oneself.

Never thought I'll have to work with someone who sleeps his way up but yep, that's the reality of life. With no prior underwriting experience, after a year he's being promoted to a senior underwriter. Why? Cause his partner is his boss.

I've heard of the story from last year about the heart valve surgery. But didn't think too much into it. This year, we're on course and we were in the same team. Ultrasound says kidney cysts. What he wants to call? Renal Profile blood test. I got stunned. You're not going to get anything from the renal blood test with regards to the kidney cyst.

Then there was another case where there was some previous scarring noted. Guess what he said? From smoking. That left me speechless as well.

I'm only a JUNIOR underwriter and I know that his answers are rubbish! I really feel resentful that he's a senior underwriter. If he knew way more than me. He'll definately have my respect.

The self righteous can go screw themselves.

Once again reminded that there are all sorts of people in this world. And of those that i loathe, the self righteous ones rank up there.

Drinking wine and fine dining, having a good job and a double major doesn't mak you a better person. Nor does it means you're any better. Perhaps for your insecurities, you've decided that such make up your self worth, since granted, not everyone has what you have.
But not having any of those doesn't mean one lives a less fulfilling or fruitful life.

Least i don't take facts and turn them into rumors, Nor do i threaten or dictate another person's life. For the fact that i do not stoop as low as you, actually does make me a better person than you.

And as for being call a christian, you really should go join Church of our saviour. Clearly for all your church going, you still don't understand the basic principal of loving your neighbour as yourself and also the parable of the good Samaritan

Hong Kong

Technology is something one can't run away from. Can't never really run away from people with technology. The presence could be discounted but the influx of text serves as a reminder that you can't run away.

The good to that being, you're still remembered. And if one is petty enough, compare to the previous year's list to see who remembered or didn't. I apperciate the well wishes but I'm not upset if I didn't get from someone. Managed expectations, a skill one learns with age.

A trip of first. Going on a holidae alone, isn't really that bad. Its a good shopping trip. Go to the stores/places you want at your pace. In my case, it's been power shopping. But the stamina goes down a notch with each passing day. I'm getting old, quite proven. The bill, that i dread to see.

First time encoutering a typhoon, as a result, that cause a loss of first for an overseas tryst. It isn't really that scary. Well, then again. it's just a typhoon warning. The actual hasn't come, and when it does, I'm prolly back in sg.

Someone shared a secret with me. Its nice and comforting to know that it's still within me for people to feel comfortable to share. Esp since the last time we met was 3-4 years ago? Didn't expect the person to change as such. Drastic. Just hope the person doesn't lose him/herself in the process of it. Fear does bring out some ugly demons within us. Ah, my classic fear of relationships!

People, Taipei people definately are better looking. Not sure why i thought HK ple to be yummy the last time I came here. Singaporeans don't really dress up, but I think we're starting to look better than them. The last trip was in 06. Within the last 3 yrs, Singaporeans are starting to be very body concious and also more fashion savvy, even if it's new urban male. Least those clothes show the gym trained bods. There are more older people in HK and to see them wondering around somewhat aimlessly, its a sad sight. Old people are not much seen in Taipei.

There are still things/thoughts to be sorted out. The flight in didn't go well. Broke down half way. Still not too sure why to date. Stress, been too emotionally stable for too long or just the movie (dance sabaru). Heading back, I know i can't nor would I ignore the whole world, as much as that seem like a good, melodramatic move initally.

Retail theraphy stil works, but it's effects are only short term.

and there are those days

where you just want sit down and cry. Knowing that crying doesn't get anything done, and you get even more dispair and start to wonder your worth. Why people seem to be able to pull it better than you.

Getting older...

I guess I'm thankful for memory laspes. I can't remember how i felt or what i felt about during this period last year. Generally feedback is that I get moody.

Has it got better this year? I'm not sure. I know I didn't come out with a present list, that i use to do and it hasn't really sink in that it's less than 7 days away. Need a haircut.

Have yet to plan my first trip out alone. Haven travelled overseas alone for a holiday before. Don't really know how it'll feel it. I hope I won't feel bored. I know I feel bored walking orchard alone and can't wait to get home.

Maybe it's pathetic to run away from bad birthday dinners. But twice a row, I guess is good enough for me to want avoid it altogether now. Pay 268 just to escape it, does sound a little pathetic. Perhaps I should give it a twist, an oxymoron and have macdonals there by myself.

Maybe a quarter life crisis would mean, wondering how you're going to get enough to life comfortable (my standards of comfortable ain't excatly low), how to save enough for that pad of yours, be it a HDB,Private. How to pay the bills, yet have enough for a rainy day. Investments. Gosh, I feel adult? Everything requires money, thus the need to climb the corporate ladder, yet up each rug means twice the stress level. Self doubt comes in and you wonder if you're really pathetic and just can't handle stress or you're just not working hard enough. Next question you'll ask if it's all worth it? All the slogging for something a bit better. And maybe a few years down the road you realize you don't even need those. It was all society/peer pressure to achieve.

And you get so use to being alone, that feeling gets a bit difficult. Everyone's busy with their own plans anyway. Being alone isn't that hard or miserable after all. There's the endless freedom to do anything and everything or nothing at all. Quite ironic then, when i got a sms asking if things have gotten so bad, when the other party had found alternatives to things we use to do. Defination of BFF, go figure!

Road directions.

Was driving back, traffic light red. This white crossroad pull up by my side. Driver gestured me wind down the window. 1st reaction - am i driving without my headlights on. Check that instantly, nope. They're on.

So I unwinded the window. He asked how to get to potong pasir. That somehow didn't register intially, thought he want go bukit batok. Then realize its pp, told him str8 up. Heared his voice. AJ! Quite cute! Tone built, wearing singlet.

Reckon he must be out for chem sex!

Well it's the first time a driver asked for directions and the 1st happend to be a cute aj. Mental malfunction! He went the wrong lane initally, managed to horn him to the correct lane.
Thereafter wanted to signal left. But darned! I fogot where the signal stick was, went to switch on the wiper instead and just couldn't find it!

I did think of remebering his car plate. Maybe treevy but the processed thought, nah. The odds are too low and what would I have said anyway?

Road heading towards potong pasir. I think you're cute and you were in a rush for a sex session. Please include me in the next session you have?

FB people

There's this guy who I've add and del quite a few times.

Seriously, I'm not interested to know your every move.

T- waiting for bf
T+1 - bf has arrived
T+2 - finished dinner
T+3 - heading to the club now.

That's an example of his fb updates. Really, if you were fility rich, there was a price for your head and I'm a bounty hunter. I'll thank you from the depths of my heart. But you ain't rich, I ain't a bounty hunter and we don't need to know what you're up to every hour.

Sheesh!

Life changes

that pretty much an understatement I know.

But if the heart was cast in stone and the one who put the spell can't undo it 9 years later. Could anyone else?

PS: I cringed when i saw someone on FB, in celebrating his birthday, the bf decided on the same top, same color. (and he had to plan his own birthday, decided on a cake with a cock. sheesh!)

Soap Opera style

Not sure if things would ever get that far, somehow I suspect I'm going to self sabotage the whole thing conciously or subconciously.

I'm not sure if it'll come to the point in the soap opera where the girl gets caught between 2 guys, a past tense that came back and a present tense. The old guy who has been long gone suddenly reappears and seems interested in her, but the whole past bad experience deters her from saying yes as much as she's more incline to him. Then there's the new guy who previously wasn't sure but suddenly decides he wants in and he's a much safer secure bet than the other.

And if she chose the safe bet, she won't be as happy as otherwise, but she won't be as sad as well. What unfortunately won't be known and shown is if the past tense actually walks away broken hearted.

Backtrack 9 years back

Started with the small fire. And it's still really under control. Honest. It's just a fire that brewing a pot of thoughts.

Watched ghost of girlfriends past yesterday.
-Love is magical comfort food for the weak and uneducated. Yeah, it makes you feel all warm and relevant but in the end it leaves you weak, dependant and fat
-You've got to risk love Sandra! I didn't and look at me, I'm a lonely ghost of a man. It doesn't mean that you're never going to get hurt but the pain you feel will never compare to the regret that comes from walking away from love."
-"Life, you know, it's like a quick cup of coffee, if you haven't got the guts to love someone, love them with all you've got, then you end up drinking alone."

So yes, the happily ever after was that they both got together, years later, after he stopped being an asshole and started to let love in. Typical soap opera ending.

I have/am/will be suckered enough to anyone who says to me, I mean everything to them and they're just too scared to loose me. The thing is (maybe good) that only 2 people have said that to me in this lifetime.

13/1/00
"you let me know how to settle down... and teach me what is love"
15/1/00
"you know something? actually i cried yesterday night, cause i can't imagine living without you... As i pass those places we went, my bed.. these msgs, i never felt happier"
27/1/00
"Just that i want to make this my final relationship and will not afford anyone to come between us"

16/6/05
"well I'm not looking for the perfect bf, just someone that i treasure and talk to."
20/6/05
"hey, thanks for meeting up lunch with me... the cheer up that i needed wasn't the food but just to meet up and talk to you. Also i wanted to hug and kiss you in the toilet but damn! there were people."

23/6/05
"Jeremy, even if we are not bf, i even ask if you'll want to go Japan with me and i ask my friend to let us stay at his place. I know asking to be in a r/s now might be a bit too rush, which at times i do want to... But if i know i do that, I'll start making a lot of mistakes and screw up, which i really don't want to... I like you to the point i might be falling in love with you.. I don't want this feeling or thought to be ruin."

It's the looking back and having to decide what was real, what is real and what wasn't real, what isn't real anymore, that screws you over.

It's about how different the perspective of a relationship now is compared to then, or how similar it is. My good friend just said to me, pls do believe in what you believed in 9 years ago. But at the same time, I can't see how i could ever revolve my life around 1 person. Doing almost everything together. Monogamy, isn't something i believe in 100% either these days.

Playing with fire

"can you please sms me 9XXXXXXX, only if you think i'm worthy as a friend.."

Seems like the start of playing with fire again, nothing wrong there as long as I don't get burnt.

Mr. Obnoxious

http://sethologue.blogspot.com/2009/05/serendipity_30.html

Finally met him. In all honesty he is a nice guy, but he prolly also tops the list of the obnoxious people I've ever met.

He bought out a bag, and i asked why. He said cause i don't want the sides of my wallet to bend. If you put it in your pockets; front, side or back, it'll bend.
I put my wallet in the front. the last 2 wallets, each I've use for about 5 years, hardly bend at the sides. And if the bend, it's more cause of the no of cards, cash inside than anything else. My point: go get a good wallet. (That's just me being bitchy)

What really hit me was when he told me about his job. How he actually talked back to the NIE assessor.
He was doing his assessment and he noticed a girl that wasn't paying attention. He decided to get her to stand in class to listen to his lesson. I'm not a teacher, but even i know MOE doesn't quite agree with such methods these days. And it's an assessment, an evaluation, all the more i see the need to conform to their teaching philosophy. But he felt his teaching methods was effective, the girl learnt and so he told off the assessor. To further prove his point, he got the class to do a survey on his teaching and threw the results back at her.
He felt that he was in no way wrong and she was being haughty and she needed to be brought down to earth.

I thought it was a really bad move. Felt he could have brought his point across in a better way. Rather than to go head on, but he felt taking a softer approach would meant that he was admitting he was wrong. Excellent way to make an impression on someone who prolly has more links than you to MOE HQ.

Thereafter he got his school posting, he didn't like his choice. So he wrote to MOE requesting for a transfer, without telling the school. MOE informed the school. He talked to the VP about it, and he was allowed to contact the school he wanted to transfer to and so he wrote to all 3 parties, current, preferred, MOE on his transfer. MOE shot him back with an email saying, an intellect like you should know better....

Excellent way to cause a carrer suicide. He believes that his performance will be assess base on his teaching results only. This in addition to him having work for Singapore Inc, previously under DSTA. Shouldn't you by now realize how the system works and make the system work for you? How can anyone be so obnoxiously naive or ignorant to not believe the fiascos he's created will come back to hunt him?

Throughout my conversations with him, He never comes across as someone who thinks he's wrong or he might be wrong. He believes the if he's values are correct, he's going to stick to his gun. It's good that you have a set of values, its good to defend what you believe. But there has to be some flexibility in handling things. In the world we live in now, there are lesser absloutes. It's to quote a friend,"possilbilites rather than probabilities". It's about using soft power to infleunce people to get your point across. The net's a vast ocean of information and one could easily find 10 points to prove your point otherwise, if you're going head on.

of Green Apples and Roller Coaster rides.

Been working over the weekend for the past 3 weeks. Kind of want a break. Nic dangled a carrot that seem a bit hard to resist. So friday after work, and 4 hours later saw us in KL. Quite liked this trip. No clubbing. Things took a much slower pace. It didn't feel like there were to many places to go without enough time. It didn't feel like a rushed out holiday.

Went to a new shopping mall - bangsar viIIage to check out a shop. 1st night dinner was at Declicious! which was nice. They had some booklets there, took a look and it was advertisement for this appreal store - dude and the duchess. Local brand but really interesting clothes. So we or rather I HAD to go there!

Each design has about 8-10 pieces, each size has 2 pieces. So its pretty much bespoked. Only thing is that, their clothings are big. The average Malaysian isn't that huge, so i'm wondering which market are they catering for. Their S would be like a M for most brands. Prices ain't that steep. Shirts go for about RM190 which converted is about 70ish.

Had some local flavor which I normally step side. ate some fish noodles which isn't my usual palatet but tasted good, and ba ku teh which was different, kind of hard though. Cakes from alexis are really good, esp the tiramisu. so it doesn't taste authentically and it doesn't look that scrumpcious but its heavenly!

Broke my previous record, went up to 170km/hr. That by the way was incidential. The average speed home was about 140. Ride didn't feel that bad, though lots of lane changing with cars travelling much faster, and I ain't talking about lumbos or poshs, but just your average cars.

The Joy Luck Club

Not too creative a working title, but got that from the fact that now 1/2 the team has good luck bear. Things have been chaotic at work recently. As far as fengshui goes, this is as good as it gets. Both my manger and SE have the smaller ones, all the UW but 1, got the bigger one. So there on top of our CPU do they sit, shining their good luck on us.

3 consecutive days of OT. 3 consecutive weekends of working over the weekend, things are more up to date. But it's been a crazy ride.

The pissing thing is, from I, now its WE have to clear his backlog. I don't understand how can one be so thicked skinned. It's frustrating, here I/We are splitting the cases evenly on a daily basis. In addition to that, working hours are spent attending meetings and yet we're able to be pretty much up to date in our work. He on the other hand doesn't need to attend any meeting. Managed to have 2 weeks of back log. Which I/We are using the weekend to clear.

Travelling public - Catch 22

Was at Treevy's main page and they've got this mis connections thing there. On who,what,wear spotted, why,how. Basically it's like finding your missing dog, only chances are higher in finding your missing dog.

Got me thinking though, the well heeled, better off people tend to travel in private transport. (no limo gossip girl style here) And if you have your own car, no one's going to see you when travelling and no one's going to hit on you. So the poorer people who take and jostle and squeeze and smell all sorts of smell get to be notice, at the cheaper price of transportation but at the cost of almost getting mulled at times.

Serendipity

There's this guy I got to know, months back. He happens to be a friend of a friend and I've seen his pictures on facebook before. And I've seen and also correctly deduce that he was dating this guy from the pictures. And I've also pretty much correctly deduce the problems they were having. (I deserve that Bsc in psychology)

Moving on a month or 2 from that, he dropped me a mail on some online profile. And so we've chatter virtually, He's a nice person but sometimes he's just too literal and rigid. But he's really sweet, he'll drop smses to encourage you along the week. Something I used to do, or rather do much less frequently these days.

And so I replied 1 of those on Thursday and the sms conversation went along the lines of we're always suppose to meet but never did. And he concluded the time wasn't ripe. (yes, ripe.)

And how he had this friend who he's been in contact with but never met till 4 years later. And today, I saw him in the train! Walked in, saw 2 seats, 1 on the left side, 1 on the right. No idea why but I took the right instead of the left, if I had took the left I would have sat next to him. But if I had sat next to him, me being me, might not have noticed him.

He was engross on the phone, so he didn’t notice me. Looked at him for a bit, nope, didn’t work. And since I’m really bad at recognizing people, I won’t have gone up to him as well, nor would I have continue staring. So it got a bit uncomfortable after a while. Thankfully the train got crowded and we were blocked.

In any case, I texted him thereafter. And it was nice talking to him. Seeing him physically for the first time. Well, he’s cute but not conventionally so. And his physique is not too bad at all. So he called me back. And I thought I’ve seen and heard everything before. He called to explained why he was so engross in his conversation, which ½ the carriage could prolly hear. And I got the clearance from him to talk about it.

I’ve heard of con boys. But this has to be the best job to date. The phone conversation was about a guy he knows. That guy's bf in desperation called him. At 23, this guy managed to con a condo (legal papers done to transfer it to his name) by being with a guy for 2 years, while concurrently having/conning other people as well. He’s good, for his age, he’s got lots of potential and a long way to go. Hopefully though, Karma doesn’t catch up with him 1st.

Ex-lover Is Dead

God that was strange to see you again

Introduced by a friend of a friend

Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'

In that instant it started to pour,

Captured a taxi despite all the rain

We drove in silence across point champlain

And all of the time you thought I was sad

I was trying to remember your name…

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin

Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in

Now you're outside me

You see all the beauty

Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose

I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose

I'll write you a postcard

I'll send you the news

From a house down the road from real love…

Live through this, and you won't look back…

Live through this, and you won't look back…

Live through this, and you won't look back…

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave

You were what I wanted

I gave what I gave

I'm not sorry I met you

I'm not sorry it's over

I'm not sorry there's nothing to say

I'm not sorry there's nothing to say...

Calendar Girl

If I am lost for a day; try to find me

But if I don't come back, then I won't look behind me

All of the things that I thought were so easy

Just got harder and harder each day

December is darkest and June is the light but this empty bedroom won't make anything right

While out on the landing a friend I forgot to send home

Who waits up for me all through the night

Calendar girl who's in love with the world Stay alive

Calendar Girl who's in love with the world Stay alive

I dreamed I was dying; as I so often do

And when I awoke I was sure it was true

I ran to the window; threw my head to the sky

And said whoever is up there,please don't let me die

But I can't live forever,I can't always be

One day I'll be sand on a beach by a sea

The pages keep turning, I'll mark off each day with a cross

And I'll laugh about all that we've lost

Calendar Girl who is lost to the world Stay Alive

Calendar Girl who is lost to the world Stay Alive

January, February, March, April, May I'm alive

June, July, August, September,October I'm alive

November, December, you all through the winter, I'm alive

I'm alive

Jitters

It's been the 3rd, 4th? day of feeling jittery, where i get this prickly feeling on my feet mostly, and hands and the stomach churns a little, not in an upset way but not excatly a butterflies in stomach way either. Somewhat a hybrid i guess.

and yes i think its work.

Clothes maketh the man?

Could a gay man, or urbansexual, or metro be so narstically body obsessed but care less for the clothes that wrap the beautiful body?

I find that quite ironic.

Birthdays

I tend to put emphasize on birthdays, maybe a tad too much than neccessary. It's suppose to be a celebration with people who mean something to you. Least that's how I see it, so likewise unless the person means enough to me, it'll not warrant my attendence.

Cancer traits

So i was told, Cancerians tend to repeat themselves on the advise, which are really practical and sensible, they dish out. I wonder why this is so.

a) they suck at bringing their point/advice across
b) people just don't listen/get it
c) they're really naggy

Fashionlista

I was surprise when i got word about it. That my reputation precedes me. Well to start off, I didn't even know i had a reputation. I try to be as low key as 1 can be. The less people know me, the less they'll find me for stuff/things.

Within my section, Ii'm known to be fashion forward. Which isn't a hard thing to do, being aj and having only 1 other male colleague, whose surname pek says a lot about his style.

Sounding arragont, guys on my floor, don't bother to dress up. so it's an easy win. but that said, i don't really think I top notch either. Got a limited wardrobe of clothes. Most days, I don't even bother with my hair.

So what actually happened was that I had to do a presentation to the sales managers in the other building of some online portal with regards to underwriting portion. And they got to know about my dressing even before I went there. I've no idea how they got word and I'm curious as well.

Hopefully I don't come across as a someone with stlye but no brains.

M&A

mergers and acquisitations is the game for today.

Totally unprecedent, what they're going to try is to merge group and individual business into 1 entity. Guess in times like these, anything is possible.

So what will happen eventually is that everyone will be doing every different line of product. Its good in the sense that there's increase exposure. With this, I can say i'm underwriting every line of business, individual life, individual health, group life and health, policy servicing underwriting.

The concern comes in with regards to limits. underwriting limits determine the value of the underwriter. Its like in an airline, the bigger the plane you fly the more senior you are.

Now with the merger, there's cause for concern that the group people will be marginalize. Have always been under the impression that individual underwriters are more valued than group ones. So then what if we get the lower limits compare to them? That'll totally kill us.

Work induce weight loss

Been loosing weight lately, never thought that would happen but yes it can.
Not sure if this is a worrying sign. but actually deamt that i got an sms on the acceptance rate of the various products that we're underwriting!

to elaborate, it's the stats of the cases we do on a daily basis and the outcome of them, standard, sub standard, decline, postpone. And there's a formula to calculate the acceptance rate and it's populated into a chart. I had to do all those.

And now i'm dreaming i'm recieveing smses on those!

Birthday present came early

Got a nice surprise from Anders, Alvin and Nicholas. A BV wally! retail price? $640.

Haha, call me superficial. But if money was a way to value a friendship, then i feel i'm worth lots! But on a serous note, its the generousity that touches me. It's the affirmation that they know i won't short change them that means a lot more.

Overpaid

I can't believe i spent so much on her for an overseas present trip. $40!
Hell no, she ain't worth so much! Wad was i thinking to even consider spending that amount.
I'm definately going to be short changed for a loooong time to come.

Strip:Emotional accessory.

emotional accessory by jeremyseth

The bank up plan

They say that you need to have 1/2 year of your salary (i presume as liquid assets) and I'm def not there. Its not extremely worrying but the realization that I'm not gettin any younger, does put a bit of pressure to get there fast.

I know nuts about share gambling, about making a quick buck. Think it'll be too jittery for me to know that i might lose 10K. So there's little avenue to generate additional revenue.

Loans to friends are hardly profitable, I actually miss out on the 0.25% interest rate P.A.

In less than 7 years, I can get a HDB flat. Renovations by then will (by my standards) easily put me back by 50K, if not more.

Then if there's a car, there's a car loan.

The financial burden will get tougher, and that's assuming that family is in pink of health and there's no medical bills on top of that.

Under such intense pressure, relief is required. Time to do retail threapy. haha. (that's really a joke)

Hitting below the belt

I don't like how he brings out the best beast in me. And he does it really well. Its starting to take a lot more not to stoop to that level (of what i believe is immaturity, pettyness and stupidity)

extracted msn convo(20/4/09)-

him: she gets $25 not because she is being rude! She DOES NOT DESERVE IT! is this a better answer?
me: 1 last Q, can? so why doesn't she deserve it?
him: because she doesn't talk

I've learn that
1)muted friends actually have a voice, it's how you get them to voice out and how much patience you have to wait for the day they find their voice
2)no matter how diss one gets from have a muted friend, it doesn't beat one who talks to you when he needs something and starts shouting and staring at you, asking you to stop driving.
3)and gratefulness is indeed a 1 way street. You can get all the medical/work/immigration related things but still get screwed in the end.

cest'e la vie.

Recession splurge

Was reading my monthly dose of Details, and i came across this. Thought it quite true and made much sense.

Recession Splurge Reflex, an impulse to treat yourself to the very indulgences that we're all supposed to banish in the name of fiscal austerity.

Whatever it is, it can't be categorized as a necessity, which is exactly why you feel you deserve it. "Over time, Americans have become so accustomed to these small luxuries that we've stopped thinking of them as luxuries.They are now entitlements that we don't feel we should have to live without.

What you buy is no longer just a reflection of what you can buy. It's a narrative gesture about your identity—a public statement about who you are. "The way we express ourselves is through these purchasing decisions," says Anya Kamenetz, the author of Generation Debt. "Everything that you buy is coded to express your values. So if you can't buy the certain type of things that do that, then maybe you feel like you're giving up your values."

"There's a bulimic kind of quality to a lot of people's spending today," Kamenetz says. "People are imposing really Draconian restrictions on themselves, and after a week of bringing your sad little sandwich to work, you're like, 'Oh, fuck this—I'm going out for sushi.'" Especially when you just had to postpone that long-planned week in the Bahamas. Luxuriating in bites and baubles can serve as a psychic stopgap measure when you can't pay for a bathroom renovation.

Exs

Saying this more factually than anything else.

No matter how u think you're not/never going to hear about them. It's not true. So happens that a friend's friend i met actually is a good friend of my ex.

small world/community. So perhaps no surprises even there.

WA girl

3 things in a day, that's beyond coincidence.

1)was helping to take down a no and wadda know, it was her sg house number.

2)went clubbing and the guy involved was there, he was looking at a person similar in age and built to the incident a year ago at tabs.

3)the person simiar in age and built, msg me on msn. Almost but not quiet, begging me to talk 2 her.

3 strikes, couldn't say no. Just seem way more than coincidence.

Bukit Indah

Inpromptu trip up north, after work on thursday. I LOVE impromptu trips.

Was a trip that everyone enjoyed themselves heaps and everyone bought something. The shopping was incidential.

Max wanted to do seafood during 1 of the days on this long weekend. Anders proposed tonight. Nic okay it. And so only the 2nd time, 2 cars went in.

Dinner wasn't that filling. Crabs were too small and not that fresh.

asked directions for shopping. guess it was about 10-15 mins away. Managed to do my 130km/hr. That's something that i can't and won't do back home. Too many cars, too much regulations.

Ended up at this new mall in Bukit Indah. Never been there before. Nic,Max,Ailing rank in sales of RM500 or so @ the supermarket. Then Alvin,Ailing and me rank in a bit more for Padini, prolly about RM400.

Then headed to the town center. They actually have this boutique like hotel there! called Europe Rich. Exterior looks good, looks hip. Never thought such places exist in Johor. Had old town. bah. But the road side food next door was fantastic thought abeit oily.

Proposing the next trip in, end of the month. Should skip the seafood place, go directly to the mall. There's A & W. So miss that!

Sunny monkeys

I really don't understand it.

We're virtually strangers. The only link is through a friend. Yet i feel for him. Everytime something happens to him, i feel for him. I hope he's okay. I hope he's got an outlet. I feel his heavyness, i feel his burden, his pain. No we're not soul mates.

Yet on the other hand, I realize/know its pointless. No matter how bad a shape he is. He'll never say, and even if he does, not to me. So why do i even bother.

Yet i can't help but...

4000 cases

i just realize 4000 cases over 5 days of 8 hours each actually works out to 1.5 seconds? mins?/case. wow!

Running Solo

Back to reality, after a week of getaway in Taipei. With no surprise, left on the 26th came back on the 2nd and there it was in my in-tray 26th cases. Thats what one gets for having a not up to par back up. I don't believe he did any cases for me at all. What he did was to give out the 25th cases to the other underwriters. The 25th cases were initially given to him to do.

I'm rendered speechless. Best part i guess, was when i asked him. about cases on the 26th in my in-tray and asked what excatly did he get the rest to do? He couldn't really reply me. His reply was if you need, you ask the rest to help you with the 26th cases. Fuck you!

I'm capable enough to do my own cases. Finished them a little over an hour. Thankfully they weren't too hard and there weren't too many. But that also means that he could have done it in maybe 4 hours? if he wanted to. The last time he was on long leave, I cleared everything nicely for him. It's a word call responsibility.

I will not drown due to the lack of your willingness or ability to help me out. I'm much better than you. I'm a homo fuckin machine for crying out!

Which also means that, doing solo the 4000 SAF cases would be a challenge which i relish and will be able to complete. The inital arrangement was for 1/2 of the underwriters 3, to do them within 2 weeks.

This would be on top of my 2 systems testings that need to be attended to next week as well.

Gossip girl E18 / Mr M.

"sometimes fate throws 2 lovers together, only to rip them apart

sometimes the hero finally makes the right choice but

the timing is all wrong.

but as they say timing is everything. "

So perhaps and maybe, there are some people who we can't or won't get out of our lives. And those people, somehow we could never get our act together or draw down the curtains after the finale.

But the post production party might actually be better than being life's actor on a stage.

The competitor's company III

Got word today that the underwriters there might start a 5.5 work day week. If that isn't bad enough, it means a full day 8.30-5.30 on sat and the half day will be given on a weekday. That's horrible.

I don't understand why the need to put in the extra hours when they have a team of underwriters in malaysia to do the case and they're the back up in times of back log.

That place seems quite a bitchy. Quite a bit of office politics too. People seem somewhat narrow minded in their thinking.

All factors considered, I guess I'm happy that I didn't jump over.

Growing older

This not a vanity post but one of realization of the ageing process. Realizing that even if one could pass off years younger physically, the body doesn't lie.

As we age, medical problems seem more real. That strain back might last longer that it usually does. It becomes a chronic lower back pain. The next thing you know you're going for a MRI scanning for any slip disc or degenerative discs.

That pain from pissing, starts to get you wondering if you're suffering from some STD or there's a kidney stone or some prostate problem. And before you know it, you're taking blood tests, doing biopsies.

And that's where one starts to watch one's diet, i guess that's the significant start to it all. The only good advice I have for anyone is to make sure you have a hospital & surgical insurance plan.

He's hot!

This sounds stupid but...

I think he's hot cause he(pri sch friend) works in aslyum~

Skye Edwards

She came down as part of the mosaic heineken green room. It was a really casual, laid back event. Pity it was only an hour, really short! And it wasn't like those mega madonna, kylie concerts where people got Estascy high. This more like a weed high concert.

And unlike Britney, she sings live. Well she forgot the lyrics to gorilliaz feel good inc. It's one of the songs that she does a cover for. And for the first time, I see a singer drinking whisky during her concert. That was uber cool. And her arms, super duper tone!

Performance Bonus II

Got my letter today. In contentment, I should be happy. I like the figure (in terms of amount). In such times, it is quite a good amount. The percentage of annual base salary however isn't that great. It's 12.13% out of a max of 26%. But i guess it's a good start for the first year there. Hopefully with all the additional things i'm doing this year, I'll get more next. But then the economic situation being the way it is. It's not going to help with a fatter bonus next year.

And no salary adjustments whatsoever for me.

Wakeboarding

Finally got down to trying it. It's really the cost that's a deterant, that and the lack of company. Anyway, got a good deal at 60 for half a day, shared with 4 other people.

Thought I'll be good at it. It's something I always wanted to do and so the mindset's right. But it's a semi success. Managed to move up. Once up, splash. So not a complete failure, yet definately not successful either. I also thought I'll be able to do it, since I've learnt wind surfing before, both sports use boards. Retrospectively though, I wasn't that good at it either.

It's a good workout. Worked the arms, esp the lower arms, wrist. Whatever muscles there are there. The abs feel worked on the next day. So it's a feel good feeling, to have exercised. Maybe that's the addicitive part for gym going people. Once you feel the 'high' of it, you just can't get enough.

PS: Would be better to move around the boat topless in trunks. Get a much better, even tan than clothes on.

Income Tax

The government gives me 200 in March as some relief from the current economic situation. A month later, income tax is due. Here they charge me 247.91. So in essence they earn a profit of 47.91 from me. Say the 200 given to me equates to a loss of interest bearing income for them. For a month, they get 47.91 in interest. This equates to an interest of 23.95%. Economic crisis? For who?!

Bubbly

In my own little way, I'm proud to have contributed to SG being on the top 20 list of bubbly consuming countries! And We're the only asian country to be on the list! I'm certain fab sundays contribute a significant % to being on the list! And despite the slow down, I'll pledge to do my best I can.

Performance Bonus

They declared that they'll be giving performance bouns still this year. How much, no one knows. Rightfully it's suppose to be cap @ 26% for execs. No job cuts for now, No intention of jobs cuts as well.

Haven heard of underwriters getting retrench. Just like no one hears of doctors gettin retrenched either. But if pilots can get retrenched, i guess anything's quite possible.

Here's the Catch 22, situation: There won't be any salary increament. But there will be wage adjustments and internal adjustments. Which means your salary will increase, but it's cause you have been underpaid, bluntly put. So is that a case to be rejoicing or to feel really indignant?

Unfortunately for me, it'll be the 2nd year without pay increament, cause last year i wasn't confirm and this year there isn't any.

Horse hung

Today I witness (virtually) what it means to be hung like a horse. And I say, it's freaking scary!

The competitor's company II

Over a table conversation, the topic was sleeping you way up.

The inside joke being to get promoted in my company, sleep your way up, while his will simply hire without really looking at how qualified or not the person is.

So he said he would sleep his way up when asked if i would. I said unlikely. Then he mention, to get promoted to SE will take me forever. That's where he realize my next grade is SE and he's 2 grades away. But our pay difference isn't that much.

So really, I'm not quite sure at the end of the day, who the joke is on. But then again, I don't really care.

Catch 22

Learnt something new today. Kinda. like (her)Trinity put it, i knew about it just not what's its called.

Which in simple terms it means: damn if you do and damn if you dont.

Background info:
Catch-22 is a satirical, historical novel by the author Joseph Heller, first published in 1961. The novel, set during the later stages of word war II, is frequently cited as one of the great literary works of the twentieth century.

The prototypical Catch-22, as formulated by Heller, involves the case of John Yossarian, who wishes to be excused from combat flight duty. In order to be excused, he must submit an official medical diagnosis from his squadron's flight surgeon, demonstrating that he is unfit to fly because he isinsane. In order to get the diagnosis, he must approach the surgeon to ask for one.

A logical formulation of this situation is:
1. (Premise: If a person is excused from flying (E), that must be because they are both insane (I), and request an evaluation (R));
2. (Premise: If a person is insane (I), they should not realise that they are, and would thus have no reason to request an evaluation)
3. (2, Definition of implication: since an insane person would not request an evaluation, it follows that all persons must either not be insane, or not request an evaluation)
4. (3, De Morgan: since all persons must either not be insane, or not request an evaluation, it follows that no person can be both insane and request an evaluation)
5. (4, 1, Modus Tollen: since a person may be excused from flying only if they are both insane and request an evaluation, but no person can be both insane and request an evaluation, it follows that no person can be excused from flying)

The above describes the concept commonly referred to by the phrase “Catch 22”. The book adds an element of complete absurdity to the situation, adding that the same regulations also stipulate that (because flying combat missions is so dangerous) any sane person would not willingly fly combat missions. Thus, any person who flies missions must be insane and thus should only need to be evaluated in order to be excused from flying. However, because requesting an evaluation is a sign of sanity, no pilots are grounded for insanity. The “catch 22” statement is the only reason anyone is in the air at all.

The competitor's company

So company P has been on a hiring spree, despite their lacklusture efforts to bid for company A. It was splash in the papers months back that they're interested to buy over the asian operations of company A, but just this week the papers said they put in a bid was below the estimated price.

Back to the Hiring spree. They got a crop sales person from my company, and an adminstrator from my prev company to be Snr Execs for Underwriting! These are people with NIL underwritng experience and they get to be Snr Execs?! This is a company that's well known for not taking the effort and time to train people, they take in people with experience. And now this?! It's absurd, really!

Previously I thought I was under qualified for the position. Thought 1 year of experience just doesn't make the cut! Now seeing the way they hire, I feel more than qualified. In retrospect, if I had applied then and was offered a Exec position, I'll be indignant to the core! But in the long term, I'm concern if i'm being marginalized as well. These people are now at a Snr Exec level, when it comes to climbing the crop ladder. I'm one step behind, despite me having more experience.

Run! Further now.

And today the words were "baby" and "love sick".
I'm signing up for Aviva's Ironman now.

Run!

I decided says (10:52 PM):
was thinking of u today, i been thought of things we had done
Sethology says (10:52 PM):
gd or bad?
I decided says (10:53 PM):
think is somethin gd
was not with sex buddies turn into this so far, i guess u being more den wht u had done on bed


While most people will awww and have thier hearts melt, my usual tendency is to freak out, put on my running shoes and run! Its just my normal reaction.

Rain on my love parade

I could write your name in the sand,

and the rain would wash it away.

But the good times you gave,

are forever engraved in my memories.

V day

Okay so I thought it's been a really long time since I 'celebrated' V day. And U wanted to know how long, so I actually checked the previous blogs. The last time was in 07, just 2 years ago. I thought it was like more than that.

And I realize, there's a V day entry for the past 3 years. So this be the 4th. V day was spent going to the Zoo today. Grace, Gary and R. Told him about it and he said he was interested, so I asked him to come along. And he was game for it. I thought that meant something?

Getting really old, about 2 years back, the Zoo wasn't such a tiring event. Maybe it didn't help that i was luggin 2 1.5L Evian and 2 Pringles.

Got some nice pictures. How bad can DSLR pictures turn out? The wait for them however is going to be really long. :(

There was a wedding though. Neat! Was literally a fairtale wedding. The 'jie mei' where in angel wings. There was Peter Pan, Fingstone. The couple was on a horse carriage.

Ended up meeting R for supper again. So that's 2 times this week. I honestly don't really know what to make out of it and I'm not sure if I want to.

2 conflicting statements. 1)I hope i didn't embrass you. Which when probe i didn't really get my answer. So I'm wondering if he used the right word. 2)Said least I now know you better as a friend/I treat you as a friend.

I don't really know what I want out of this or where it's heading. And yes, I'm enjoying the ride. But the thing is I don't want to led anybody and so I do need to know where this is going. But it'll be akward if I'm the one assuming that something is going on when there's nothing.

Spoilt

Now that i can drive, I'm reluctant to go anywhere further than a 30 min public transport ride. Of course this didn't happen overnight. The spoilt process started about 2 years back. Thanks Nic!

Losing count of projects

I actually losing count of what and the number of projects I'm doing. Just lots of small ones now. 2 new ones this week.

Major:
1)IHS IT system + CM workbaskets
3)Sigma 6 + Underwriting Manual

Minor in process
5)U1,U2 letter enhancements (almost done)
6)EBH Online
7)U1 ICB

Minor completed
8)SAF guidelines
9)IHS Current CM workbaskets
10)IHS Flow Charts

Canon DSLR

Played with one today. Quite fun, though a bit complicated initially. There's lots to learn though, all the effects and what not.

Did the basic, played with the focus, aperture and shutter speed.
Then there's the wide angle lense and whatever not. Can be placed on manual or pre set auto functions.

Learnt that IS= Image Stabalizer.

Gossip girl E16

The thing about new beginnings is that

they require something else to end

Some endings take a long time to reveal themselves.

But when they do,

they're almost too easy to ignore.

Some beginnings start so quietly

you don't even know they're happening.

But most endings come when you least expect them and

what they portend is darker than u imagine.

Almost reality

Had a dream last night. Setting was a different company. Boss was the same, i screwed up somehow. Didn't managed to pull off my projected. Got demoted, sent pack from HQ to some service center.

There was some IT testing to do today, needed to sign off and put to production on Monday. The IT people are not around tommrrow, so it had to be resolved today. Got the email after i left work yesterday. saw it this morning. Decided to get it done with in the morning so I'll have the rest of the day to do other stuff.

Problem #1, my comp decided to crash on me again. So it was pretty much a switch on, auto shut down game for the whole morning. Managed to try the system, to realize I can't even get it to work.

Highlighted to the IT people, they only managed to edit it the bugs/reports/software/system so i could get in. That was 5pm. Went in, realize everything doesn't work. Wrong alignment, wrong salutation, can't print. Tons and tons of errors. What should have been an 1hr wrap caused me to OT for 2 hours, and it's not yet fixed!

Dropped an sms to boss about it. She's not going to be too happy. There's going to be a 1 day delay to it. And to her it's chicken feet, just some cosmetic changes. So it's quite uncanny how the dream almost became reality.

4 day work week

Got an email yesterday, Company is doing a survey on having a 4 day work week instead of 5. What that means is that instead of an 8 hr work day, it's now 10 hours a day. No changes to pay scheme.

Not much details being given. But Boss gave a briefing on that today, saying it's hot desking and prolly you dont' get to choose yer day off but might work on a rotation basis.

Not sure about that. Not too keen on the idea of hot desking and not being able to choose the off day. (I'm going to choose monday off. Friday is already casual friday, no point missing that. )

I don't think it'll be implemented but I've got to give credit for exploring something quite unprecedent. This is very Euro style and totally not Asian.

Superficial

I'm sorry that I'm superficial enough to

-want stay clear of tourist hotels, mass produce markets
-want stay in hotels that people will go wow, where's that when they see the photos


and to myself,
I'm sorry that I spent hours scouring thorugh goolge images searching Taipei hotels.
clicking every decent hotel picture, reading up, checking location, MRT approximity, comparing prices over all the various hotel search engines, emailing direct asking for better rates. Throwing out anything that seem out of budget. When all i could have done was jus to go to any, ANY tour agent tell them i need a hotel and get it done.

I'm sorry I spent half a year mointering air ticket prices, reading up on jet fuel trends, checking on air ticket prices periodically across airlines when i could have just gone to any, ANY tour agent and tell them i need a free and easy tour package to Taipei.

Emptiness

... is like the last drop of water in a glass.
the realization of a void being amplified by the emptiness surrounding it.

White elephant

Goes to show that when you have the car at your disposal, there's no where to go and no one to go out with. So what's left is to be bored staring at the LCD screen.

Parking solo #1

The dread of driving currently is parking more than anything else. I've done it about 5 times so far. And i drove home today so there was the fear of parking alone.

But wadda know. 1 time in without any corrections!

Falling Slowly

Months on, this is another that never fails to get me.

I don't know you

But I want you

All the more for that

Words fall through me

And always fool me

And I can't react

And games that never amount

To more than they're meant

Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home

We've still got time

Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice

You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me

And I can't go back

Moods that take me and erase me

And I'm painted black

You have suffered enough

And warred with yourself

It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home

We've still got time

Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice

You've made it now

Falling slowly sing your melody

I'll sing along

Dad's Orientation

The Latio is really slow in pick up and huge on safety, in the sense that the breaks are way more sentitive than the Stream.

I've semi managed to master parking. Semi managed as in i can park quite nicely but it was a corner lot with no car on the right. Still bit intimidated to go out without a driver. But that's going to happen on Tues evening.

It was a torture. Yes, it's a parking lot but going less than20km/hr? And told to drive @ 60 on an expressway and keep to the left lane? Gosh! I just wanted to go home Asap.

What i wanted to say to you

"What i wanted to say to you was I really miss you and I've got feelings for you, but I know it's not possible and I'll keep them in check. Melodramatic; maybe that was the beauty of it. Wanting to say those words but not saying them.

It's akin to the first time back then, telling you I want to say I Love You but I know i don't mean it. A year on it's the reverse.

I wanted to ask, then why didn't u chose me. But felt I wasn't ready for the akwardness or the brutal honesty and thus kept quiet. In the end, all I wanted was to simply have you in my arms till the first rays of sunlight. But even then, that I didn't get"

Work relations

Actually or maybe the stress up part is that i'm actually doing 2 days of cases. I feel bad, like betrayal, esp to MQ.

The last time round when they were doing system testing, both of us were in it together taking 5 days of cases between us. Volume has gone up considerable this week n last. SAF cases are coming in about 50 a day and those required manual MS WORD OFFICE templates to generate.

I'm concern that, as silly as it prolly is, I'm being ostracize cause of the projects. Though there hasn't been any signs of it so far. I'm concern that my cosyness or 'cosyness' with GG might affect the relationship with the rest. Things are not always what they seem and things are not always spoken. That said things are not excatly political as well.

The projects are given to give me/us an edge. Boss herself said, doing all these are suppose to value add us and compared to the individual life underwriters, we'll be worth much more cause we're more all rounded. This is pretty much a fact and I'm appreciative for the oppertunity but another way of seeing it is that, no matter how much or how successful, I'll prolly still be 2nd best?

Stress up?

I'm not sure if i'm stressed up. I've been dreaming about office the past 2 nights. Not nightmare but like events unfolding, like a day at work playing itself out.

I'm only doing 2 days of underwriting. So that would seem less of a workload and i thought i have a lot of free time and it's going to be so unchallenging. That lasted 1 day. Next day, i realize we're going to re-write the underwriting manual. The last time it was done was 10 years ago. Dateline - 1 month's time.

Come to think of it, my boss won't have like us off that easily. I under estimated the situation.

Quite Time #2

I still to date do not like the way he streotypes people and situations.

This extended phrase hit some chords -
I've been shall we say, cautious. Overly so, some might say. But when you've been through the mill, you just can't help becoming exceedingly good at seeing the warning signs from a mile ahead. so you never really take the plunge unless you're really sure

It got me to in 1 of the rare moments to admit that i'm actually fussy, but we all know the reason behind it. Though i've been remind that i did have some salah ple as well. That i initially attributed to desperation but in retrospect it was the fear? of being too particular and letting a good thing pass without knowing. Which also in retrospect, is baloony.

1st Initiation

So Nic came along and got me to take him for a ride. We drove from my place all the way to Yishun.

First we went up the expressway, then he chose quite a challenging road, in the sense there were a lot of bends, lots of blind spots and humps. Which i didn't do too well with the humps. Scrape the bottom at 1 quite badly. Felt terrible. Realize that brakes for auto are not as sensitive as manual, so the breaking distance has to be increased. But otherwise, i think i'm quite impressive, how many people go on expressways their first day?

The return trip was along main roads where switching lanes was quite fun and easy, no cars bikes. Was going at about 80 on a 60 road. Hit AMK where traffic was heavier still can switch lanes. Not bad!

The terror is out there, bewarned. Not sure if i gave Nic a heart attack, but 'drew you've been warned! What did i do? I change 2 lanes @ a shot. I didn't give way at a round about. Sometimes i don't signal. Nic's verdict: I'm better off without the triangle plate. I'll be pissing people driving like that!

Traffice police test

Passed my driving! Got 12 demerit points. I find quite an irnoy why they were deducted. Insufficient acceleration and slow speed. Among my friends, i'm known to be quite 'reckless' in my driving.

The built up was stressful. At the last lesson i couldn't do my vertical parking. Not at all. Got the turning points all wrong. Only managed to rectify it last mintue. And some other stuff.

The car i was given today, was crap, really. Test cars are suppose to be in tip top condition? This i felt wasn't. The engine cracks up really easily.

So test room, once i saw Passed, mind switched off on whatever he said. Just gave the pesudo serious look. That was what i was told to do.

But at a price of 2.5k, ouch~!

Score

Happened to watch 1 episode of Score, its the successor to highly successful now defunct FRONT. I enjoyed it. Jibby's cute and in this 1 hour special, he had to make a video and got this guy to help him out. Looks familiar, def gay. Can't dar if jibby's gay. But even if he is....

The was this part where fay's line was written well " jibby's all gibberish." :P

Quite Time #1

Started on Johan's latest book, only on chapter 1 but i'm surprise and puzzled at how sterotypical 1 of the characters is.

-B & O Stero system
-Moet & Chardon
-How the apartment is minimalist
-How the skinny scrawny guy ends up the beefcake

Actually realize he has this thing for how the characters always seem quite physically perfect and it's how 1 character is more withdrawn than the other. Come to think of it, i wonder if its a marketing stragety. Who's going to want to read about someone less than greek god perfect. The demographics must be catered to.

The book to date hasn't excite me like the previous one- to know where i'm coming from.

Six Sigma

Got a new project today. Not sure if it's a one off session or something mid-long term, but by the looks of it and the little i've been brief, it looks more short-mid term than a one time off.

I'm gald to be involved in the project, Six sigma is quite something, or i use to think so, until i read a little about it. It's simlar to doing an ISO in some ways i guess. There's a lot to learn and i'm looking forward to it.

what six sigma is:
Six Sigma asserts that –

• Continuous efforts to achieve stable and predictable process results (i.e. reduce process variation) are of vital importance to business success.


• Manufacturing and business processes have characteristics that can be measured, analyzed, improved and controlled.


• Achieving sustained quality improvement requires commitment from the entire organization, particularly from top-level management.

Features that set Six Sigma apart from previous quality improvement initiatives include –

• A clear focus on achieving measurable and quantifiable financial returns from any Six Sigma project.


• An increased emphasis on strong and passionate management leadership and support.
  A special infrastructure of "Champions," "Master Black Belts," "Black Belts," etc. to lead and implement the Six Sigma approach.


• A clear commitment to making decisions on the basis of verifiable data, rather than assumptions and guesswork.
  

What leaves me somewhat jaw dropping is how my boss seems to think i'll be able to cope. I'm flattered no doubt, but personally i'm scratching my head, wondering how am i going to cope and why does she think i can cope. I'm glad for the oppertuinities and I'm starting to 'respect' my 'competitor' much more. Now that i'm involved in some projects and i realize she's quite something to be able to cope. She's practically involved in every project that's going on, handling HK cases solo.

Thinking, i prolly won't be doing so much if not for the foundation years in my previous company. Cause over 1 lunch she mention to us, that she expected us to be able to cope since we were all from the previous company. There's another underwriter who came in a bit earlier than me and she's not having any additional projects.

I must say though, that i'm acutally surprise at the amount i've learnt about system process within this short period of time. Learing what's matta data, what's a cetrix system and other IT jargon. Being able to actually think on the spot, realize where people are coming from. Glad to know my brain still works. Though i still can't catch up with my boss, her brain moves really fast.

Sex Fiends

Was walking home and bump into someone i slept with. Found that amusing, just learnt that he's working in the next building. Have done the deed a few months ago but have never seen him around the area. After some contemplation though, realize it's no biggy. My ex reg services the office door on my level, compare that to the next building, that seems remote.

Decluttered #1

There's this guy, who i think is 1 of the nicest people on earth and i'm quite fond of him. We've known each other for about 7 years.

But he's the first to get decluttered this year. Despite my love for him, i realize there's nothing to hang on to.

We don't keep in contact, our lives don't intertwine. And despite the very good times we had. It's all history. There's little point hanging onto the past. Him being a really nice person isn't a valid reason to hang onto something that's not there either.

So he gets dropped.

Signs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_cWHK1-yFU

Two ravens in the old oak tree and
One for you and one for me and
Bluebells in the late December
I see signs now all the time

The last time we slept together
There was something that was not there
You never wanted to alarm me
But I’m the one that’s drowning now

I could sleep forever these days
Because in my dreams I see you again
But this time fleshed out fuller faced
In your confirmation dress

It was so like you to visit me
To let me know you were ok
It was so like you to visit me
You always worried about someone else
At your funeral I was so upset
So upset so upset
In your life you were larger than this
Statue-statuesque

I see signs now all the time
That you’re not dead, you're sleeping
I believe in anything
That brings you back home to me

I see signs now all the time
That you’re not dead, you're sleeping
I believe in anything
That brings you back home to me.

sometimes the small little geatures makes a lot of difference, someone sent me this song and gave some respite to the gloom.

I need a holiday!

SQ came up with this tempting offer today. I told Nic to wait and what can i say, i'm good! I knew better deals will come around.

Tix have to be book by 12Jan, taxes included its:

1)598 to Taipei. Previously it was 688 but i couldn't find any timing for that price so it was about 750. Jetstar's cheapest ticket is about 440. For about 150, I'll gladly SQ. Travel will be by end May, that unfortunately will mean i won't get the new A330 but be bump onto a 777-200 instead, which is an older product. Still beats counting cloud sheeps in Jetstar.

2)Now this is really really value for money. 698 to Tokyo. The only problem is the exchange rate is relatively high, no thanks to the devalued Americian dollar. And while the ticket would be worth it, everything else will be costly.

3)The originial plan. 618 by Cathay with a stop over @ HK. It's killing 2 birds with 1 stone. Layover time is less than an hour, so that's really good. Disembark, get a drink off to the next boarding gate.

I'm so confused! Which option to chose?

Back to work

I've been sick, terribly since the start of the year.

Been stress about being sick and not at work. I'm not a workaholic, I'm a hedonist really, so it does come as a surprise. Truth be, I can't cope if i'm not recovered and recovery doesn't seem anywhere in sight.

1. There's a lot to do at work. I've got the stupid call center back up, which for the 2nd time I've defaulted, cause I was sick today. Will they take me out? Nope, prolly just add more slots for me. I do resent them terribly.
2. Then there's the meetings with regards to the new medical plan systems. Changes to the work flow, email stationaries to be created. Have to do the workflow charts by thursday. Hopefully i manage to lobby that the AOs sent out the letters via emails instead of us.
3. There's still my usual workload. And SAF is going to come like a tsunami really soon. 6000 cases within a short frame.

Can't help but feel much lesser than my friends who seem to be able to cope with their work so much better. Makes me wonder if my stress tolerance is low.

Felt guilty taking MC today, it's the first day of the first week of the year and being missing doesn't go well with me. That's prolly the GE culture that hasn't gone away. The unless terribly sick, don't take mc, make sure your MCs are not too many.

At times, i actually dread taking leave, since i know before i come back, there'll already be a stack to be done.

It's about being committed and being responsible, which i normally try to run away from. (look: relationships = run!) I know all along that the higher your are the more responsibilities but it's facing it upfront that's different from the knowing.

*entry seems somewhat inchorent and without a proper flow. Shows how fried my brain is.

Possibilities vs Probabilities

Been quite bugged about it. This guy mention the above phrase a month back. That more often than not, we're held back by the probability of things instead at looking at the possibilites of things.


There's much truth in it. It is easier to entertain the probability than the possibility. Probability is more quantative, success rates are more define compare to possibilities which at times can seem quite infinite and thus prove too much more a challgenge than one can handle.

The though of constantly chasing after possibilities does seem quite an arduous task as well. To rara yourself up daily to go chasing down the hurdles to get to possibility. Its sweet success in the end no doubt but i do wonder as well if the cost, which often is unmeasurable, is worth it?

footnote: read an article on how the most career successful CEOs of fortune 500 normally have dysfunctional families. Oppertunity cost.

Issue two

Well not so much of an issue but more a thought.

Is there any difference from a couple and a best friend who sleeps together and spends most of their time together vs a 3 way r/s. To me, they seem the same thing.

The appealing thing about a 3 way is, less responsibility. there's 2 other ple to carry the shit for you. Course the inverse can be said and with 2 other people, there's more responsibility. But i reckon the workload of a r/s is that level and now, it's shared by 3 people. how bad can that be? The only tricky part is that each one must almost love the other equally.

Issue one

I'm not sure if it's a bad sign starting off with issues on the 2nd day of the year and having it on the first blog entry.

Was just thinking about people who have come and gone in my life, and was texting Andrew about how there are people who attract you in life and it's not about perusing a relationship with them but just friendship. More often than not, you don't know what's the reason things don't work out. Yet there's really nothing you can do about it and if persued, will tend to be quite 1 sided.

Thought further about it and started to wonder if my expectation of people are just too high. If that's actually the problem.