Emptiness

... is like the last drop of water in a glass.
the realization of a void being amplified by the emptiness surrounding it.

White elephant

Goes to show that when you have the car at your disposal, there's no where to go and no one to go out with. So what's left is to be bored staring at the LCD screen.

Parking solo #1

The dread of driving currently is parking more than anything else. I've done it about 5 times so far. And i drove home today so there was the fear of parking alone.

But wadda know. 1 time in without any corrections!

Falling Slowly

Months on, this is another that never fails to get me.

I don't know you

But I want you

All the more for that

Words fall through me

And always fool me

And I can't react

And games that never amount

To more than they're meant

Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home

We've still got time

Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice

You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me

And I can't go back

Moods that take me and erase me

And I'm painted black

You have suffered enough

And warred with yourself

It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home

We've still got time

Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice

You've made it now

Falling slowly sing your melody

I'll sing along

Dad's Orientation

The Latio is really slow in pick up and huge on safety, in the sense that the breaks are way more sentitive than the Stream.

I've semi managed to master parking. Semi managed as in i can park quite nicely but it was a corner lot with no car on the right. Still bit intimidated to go out without a driver. But that's going to happen on Tues evening.

It was a torture. Yes, it's a parking lot but going less than20km/hr? And told to drive @ 60 on an expressway and keep to the left lane? Gosh! I just wanted to go home Asap.

What i wanted to say to you

"What i wanted to say to you was I really miss you and I've got feelings for you, but I know it's not possible and I'll keep them in check. Melodramatic; maybe that was the beauty of it. Wanting to say those words but not saying them.

It's akin to the first time back then, telling you I want to say I Love You but I know i don't mean it. A year on it's the reverse.

I wanted to ask, then why didn't u chose me. But felt I wasn't ready for the akwardness or the brutal honesty and thus kept quiet. In the end, all I wanted was to simply have you in my arms till the first rays of sunlight. But even then, that I didn't get"

Work relations

Actually or maybe the stress up part is that i'm actually doing 2 days of cases. I feel bad, like betrayal, esp to MQ.

The last time round when they were doing system testing, both of us were in it together taking 5 days of cases between us. Volume has gone up considerable this week n last. SAF cases are coming in about 50 a day and those required manual MS WORD OFFICE templates to generate.

I'm concern that, as silly as it prolly is, I'm being ostracize cause of the projects. Though there hasn't been any signs of it so far. I'm concern that my cosyness or 'cosyness' with GG might affect the relationship with the rest. Things are not always what they seem and things are not always spoken. That said things are not excatly political as well.

The projects are given to give me/us an edge. Boss herself said, doing all these are suppose to value add us and compared to the individual life underwriters, we'll be worth much more cause we're more all rounded. This is pretty much a fact and I'm appreciative for the oppertunity but another way of seeing it is that, no matter how much or how successful, I'll prolly still be 2nd best?

Stress up?

I'm not sure if i'm stressed up. I've been dreaming about office the past 2 nights. Not nightmare but like events unfolding, like a day at work playing itself out.

I'm only doing 2 days of underwriting. So that would seem less of a workload and i thought i have a lot of free time and it's going to be so unchallenging. That lasted 1 day. Next day, i realize we're going to re-write the underwriting manual. The last time it was done was 10 years ago. Dateline - 1 month's time.

Come to think of it, my boss won't have like us off that easily. I under estimated the situation.

Quite Time #2

I still to date do not like the way he streotypes people and situations.

This extended phrase hit some chords -
I've been shall we say, cautious. Overly so, some might say. But when you've been through the mill, you just can't help becoming exceedingly good at seeing the warning signs from a mile ahead. so you never really take the plunge unless you're really sure

It got me to in 1 of the rare moments to admit that i'm actually fussy, but we all know the reason behind it. Though i've been remind that i did have some salah ple as well. That i initially attributed to desperation but in retrospect it was the fear? of being too particular and letting a good thing pass without knowing. Which also in retrospect, is baloony.

1st Initiation

So Nic came along and got me to take him for a ride. We drove from my place all the way to Yishun.

First we went up the expressway, then he chose quite a challenging road, in the sense there were a lot of bends, lots of blind spots and humps. Which i didn't do too well with the humps. Scrape the bottom at 1 quite badly. Felt terrible. Realize that brakes for auto are not as sensitive as manual, so the breaking distance has to be increased. But otherwise, i think i'm quite impressive, how many people go on expressways their first day?

The return trip was along main roads where switching lanes was quite fun and easy, no cars bikes. Was going at about 80 on a 60 road. Hit AMK where traffic was heavier still can switch lanes. Not bad!

The terror is out there, bewarned. Not sure if i gave Nic a heart attack, but 'drew you've been warned! What did i do? I change 2 lanes @ a shot. I didn't give way at a round about. Sometimes i don't signal. Nic's verdict: I'm better off without the triangle plate. I'll be pissing people driving like that!

Traffice police test

Passed my driving! Got 12 demerit points. I find quite an irnoy why they were deducted. Insufficient acceleration and slow speed. Among my friends, i'm known to be quite 'reckless' in my driving.

The built up was stressful. At the last lesson i couldn't do my vertical parking. Not at all. Got the turning points all wrong. Only managed to rectify it last mintue. And some other stuff.

The car i was given today, was crap, really. Test cars are suppose to be in tip top condition? This i felt wasn't. The engine cracks up really easily.

So test room, once i saw Passed, mind switched off on whatever he said. Just gave the pesudo serious look. That was what i was told to do.

But at a price of 2.5k, ouch~!

Score

Happened to watch 1 episode of Score, its the successor to highly successful now defunct FRONT. I enjoyed it. Jibby's cute and in this 1 hour special, he had to make a video and got this guy to help him out. Looks familiar, def gay. Can't dar if jibby's gay. But even if he is....

The was this part where fay's line was written well " jibby's all gibberish." :P

Quite Time #1

Started on Johan's latest book, only on chapter 1 but i'm surprise and puzzled at how sterotypical 1 of the characters is.

-B & O Stero system
-Moet & Chardon
-How the apartment is minimalist
-How the skinny scrawny guy ends up the beefcake

Actually realize he has this thing for how the characters always seem quite physically perfect and it's how 1 character is more withdrawn than the other. Come to think of it, i wonder if its a marketing stragety. Who's going to want to read about someone less than greek god perfect. The demographics must be catered to.

The book to date hasn't excite me like the previous one- to know where i'm coming from.

Six Sigma

Got a new project today. Not sure if it's a one off session or something mid-long term, but by the looks of it and the little i've been brief, it looks more short-mid term than a one time off.

I'm gald to be involved in the project, Six sigma is quite something, or i use to think so, until i read a little about it. It's simlar to doing an ISO in some ways i guess. There's a lot to learn and i'm looking forward to it.

what six sigma is:
Six Sigma asserts that –

• Continuous efforts to achieve stable and predictable process results (i.e. reduce process variation) are of vital importance to business success.


• Manufacturing and business processes have characteristics that can be measured, analyzed, improved and controlled.


• Achieving sustained quality improvement requires commitment from the entire organization, particularly from top-level management.

Features that set Six Sigma apart from previous quality improvement initiatives include –

• A clear focus on achieving measurable and quantifiable financial returns from any Six Sigma project.


• An increased emphasis on strong and passionate management leadership and support.
  A special infrastructure of "Champions," "Master Black Belts," "Black Belts," etc. to lead and implement the Six Sigma approach.


• A clear commitment to making decisions on the basis of verifiable data, rather than assumptions and guesswork.
  

What leaves me somewhat jaw dropping is how my boss seems to think i'll be able to cope. I'm flattered no doubt, but personally i'm scratching my head, wondering how am i going to cope and why does she think i can cope. I'm glad for the oppertuinities and I'm starting to 'respect' my 'competitor' much more. Now that i'm involved in some projects and i realize she's quite something to be able to cope. She's practically involved in every project that's going on, handling HK cases solo.

Thinking, i prolly won't be doing so much if not for the foundation years in my previous company. Cause over 1 lunch she mention to us, that she expected us to be able to cope since we were all from the previous company. There's another underwriter who came in a bit earlier than me and she's not having any additional projects.

I must say though, that i'm acutally surprise at the amount i've learnt about system process within this short period of time. Learing what's matta data, what's a cetrix system and other IT jargon. Being able to actually think on the spot, realize where people are coming from. Glad to know my brain still works. Though i still can't catch up with my boss, her brain moves really fast.

Sex Fiends

Was walking home and bump into someone i slept with. Found that amusing, just learnt that he's working in the next building. Have done the deed a few months ago but have never seen him around the area. After some contemplation though, realize it's no biggy. My ex reg services the office door on my level, compare that to the next building, that seems remote.

Decluttered #1

There's this guy, who i think is 1 of the nicest people on earth and i'm quite fond of him. We've known each other for about 7 years.

But he's the first to get decluttered this year. Despite my love for him, i realize there's nothing to hang on to.

We don't keep in contact, our lives don't intertwine. And despite the very good times we had. It's all history. There's little point hanging onto the past. Him being a really nice person isn't a valid reason to hang onto something that's not there either.

So he gets dropped.

Signs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_cWHK1-yFU

Two ravens in the old oak tree and
One for you and one for me and
Bluebells in the late December
I see signs now all the time

The last time we slept together
There was something that was not there
You never wanted to alarm me
But I’m the one that’s drowning now

I could sleep forever these days
Because in my dreams I see you again
But this time fleshed out fuller faced
In your confirmation dress

It was so like you to visit me
To let me know you were ok
It was so like you to visit me
You always worried about someone else
At your funeral I was so upset
So upset so upset
In your life you were larger than this
Statue-statuesque

I see signs now all the time
That you’re not dead, you're sleeping
I believe in anything
That brings you back home to me

I see signs now all the time
That you’re not dead, you're sleeping
I believe in anything
That brings you back home to me.

sometimes the small little geatures makes a lot of difference, someone sent me this song and gave some respite to the gloom.

I need a holiday!

SQ came up with this tempting offer today. I told Nic to wait and what can i say, i'm good! I knew better deals will come around.

Tix have to be book by 12Jan, taxes included its:

1)598 to Taipei. Previously it was 688 but i couldn't find any timing for that price so it was about 750. Jetstar's cheapest ticket is about 440. For about 150, I'll gladly SQ. Travel will be by end May, that unfortunately will mean i won't get the new A330 but be bump onto a 777-200 instead, which is an older product. Still beats counting cloud sheeps in Jetstar.

2)Now this is really really value for money. 698 to Tokyo. The only problem is the exchange rate is relatively high, no thanks to the devalued Americian dollar. And while the ticket would be worth it, everything else will be costly.

3)The originial plan. 618 by Cathay with a stop over @ HK. It's killing 2 birds with 1 stone. Layover time is less than an hour, so that's really good. Disembark, get a drink off to the next boarding gate.

I'm so confused! Which option to chose?

Back to work

I've been sick, terribly since the start of the year.

Been stress about being sick and not at work. I'm not a workaholic, I'm a hedonist really, so it does come as a surprise. Truth be, I can't cope if i'm not recovered and recovery doesn't seem anywhere in sight.

1. There's a lot to do at work. I've got the stupid call center back up, which for the 2nd time I've defaulted, cause I was sick today. Will they take me out? Nope, prolly just add more slots for me. I do resent them terribly.
2. Then there's the meetings with regards to the new medical plan systems. Changes to the work flow, email stationaries to be created. Have to do the workflow charts by thursday. Hopefully i manage to lobby that the AOs sent out the letters via emails instead of us.
3. There's still my usual workload. And SAF is going to come like a tsunami really soon. 6000 cases within a short frame.

Can't help but feel much lesser than my friends who seem to be able to cope with their work so much better. Makes me wonder if my stress tolerance is low.

Felt guilty taking MC today, it's the first day of the first week of the year and being missing doesn't go well with me. That's prolly the GE culture that hasn't gone away. The unless terribly sick, don't take mc, make sure your MCs are not too many.

At times, i actually dread taking leave, since i know before i come back, there'll already be a stack to be done.

It's about being committed and being responsible, which i normally try to run away from. (look: relationships = run!) I know all along that the higher your are the more responsibilities but it's facing it upfront that's different from the knowing.

*entry seems somewhat inchorent and without a proper flow. Shows how fried my brain is.

Possibilities vs Probabilities

Been quite bugged about it. This guy mention the above phrase a month back. That more often than not, we're held back by the probability of things instead at looking at the possibilites of things.


There's much truth in it. It is easier to entertain the probability than the possibility. Probability is more quantative, success rates are more define compare to possibilities which at times can seem quite infinite and thus prove too much more a challgenge than one can handle.

The though of constantly chasing after possibilities does seem quite an arduous task as well. To rara yourself up daily to go chasing down the hurdles to get to possibility. Its sweet success in the end no doubt but i do wonder as well if the cost, which often is unmeasurable, is worth it?

footnote: read an article on how the most career successful CEOs of fortune 500 normally have dysfunctional families. Oppertunity cost.

Issue two

Well not so much of an issue but more a thought.

Is there any difference from a couple and a best friend who sleeps together and spends most of their time together vs a 3 way r/s. To me, they seem the same thing.

The appealing thing about a 3 way is, less responsibility. there's 2 other ple to carry the shit for you. Course the inverse can be said and with 2 other people, there's more responsibility. But i reckon the workload of a r/s is that level and now, it's shared by 3 people. how bad can that be? The only tricky part is that each one must almost love the other equally.

Issue one

I'm not sure if it's a bad sign starting off with issues on the 2nd day of the year and having it on the first blog entry.

Was just thinking about people who have come and gone in my life, and was texting Andrew about how there are people who attract you in life and it's not about perusing a relationship with them but just friendship. More often than not, you don't know what's the reason things don't work out. Yet there's really nothing you can do about it and if persued, will tend to be quite 1 sided.

Thought further about it and started to wonder if my expectation of people are just too high. If that's actually the problem.