Classification

Part of my job would be to classify risk. We do risk profiling and base on the risks, we try to rate them off. This usually works well for most cases. There are some cases whereby you don't know how to classify the risk, which baskets to place them in. That's where it gets tricky.

On a personal life basis, I always had and still have the bad? habit of trying to classify people. The more I can't classify them, the more intrigue I'll be and the more fascinated and harder I'll try.

I'm not sure if this habit of mine has been intensified due to my job.

I would say that this is a gift, skill that i've learnt well. (apart from people lying to me about their age) But I'm starting to think that this shouldn't be applied to everyone. Maybe I'm making life hard for myself in wanting to do this classification for everyone. Really, right or wrong, won't make a difference if the person's not going to stay and will disappear soon enough.

In my quest to classify them, sometimes I give them multiple roles. Ie: Sex,Friend,Potential. Maybe the best way to go about it would be to have everyone a singular role. I believe most people do that except me.

Mr Stability

Here comes a new character, Mr L. Which is totally the opposite of Mr Fuckalicious. Mr L as the title suggest is really good for a long(er) term relationship. He's really husband material. Stability, Commitment, Practical. All the virtues one would want to find for a relationship. Add in that cause Mr L, flies for a living, there's so much more individual space. That comes as an added bonus.

But anything long term requires stability, and that lacks the unpredictable excitement, the adrenaline rush. The honeymoon period of being forlorn prolly only lasted half a month. It's been only 3 months, though it seem a bit longer than that.

At the end of the day, the problem is this: you can bring the boy out of the party, but you can't bring the party out of the boy.

I've given up settling down for many years now. It just doesn't seem that possible/realistic. Maybe it's an evasion of potential problems that i decide to back down from the start. But 1 school of thought is that you shldn't live your life like that. It's not living everyday to the fullest. The other however, is why jump into something you fully know won't work out eventually?

Mr Fuckalicious

I have to return to blogging for this entry as it has been quite an experience. I haven got fucked (in more ways than 1) by a guy for a really long time. And amnesia seems to be occuring as the numbers on the cake keep jumping. It's good to keep a written record.

Mr S, as he shall be known. (S isn't taken up and does repesent him well). Raunchy details I will not go into. But it has been a long time since anyone made me that insecure. And I realize subsequently from the conversations I had with him. I was trying to quantify myself every sentance.

Its weird how I'm being bugged by language of all things. People will be bugged by more practical/realistic things like when will I see him again, if he likes me. Things along those lines.

It bugged me so badly I sought some advice.


What i wrote to was:

(boy induced) but i think the way i speaks kind of lack confident. its the way the sentence is constructed. Been bothered for 2 days. I can only think of 1 example off hand right now

I'll say: technically speaking. I'm the most sober person.
He'll say: i'm the most sober person.

The first 2 words seem to make a lot of difference?

Another example: I think u'll find that i'm quite a good friend and you'll recommmend me to anyone suitable VS I know u'll find that i'm quite a good friend and you'll recommmend me to anyone suitable

and when i think about it now, it seems like i'm trying to justify myself, that my opinion is quantified.


The technical answer I got was this:

I suck at sociolinguistics, so i found this: "A qualifier is a word or phrase that changed how absolute, certain or generalized a statement is."
In your two examples (plus more in your msg - you used three qualifiers in your first two sentences alone!), the qualifiers are those of certainty.
so, yes - in statements asserting your opinions, you self-qualify, and that suggests:- uncertainty; - a desire to please; - looking for an escape route because you're unable to prove/defend your statement if and when challenged.

in your first example, "technically speaking" suggests the speaker is being (pre-emptively) defensive, just in case their statement is challenged by somebody. "technically speaking" is the escape route. the second example is all mixed messages! while it's true that "i know" is more assertive than "i think", again, the relative qualifier "quite" suggests the anticipation of a challenge to one's assertion. otoh, what can be inferred from both sentences in the second example is some self-confidence in one's ability to be so good a friend as to warrant another's recommendation.

But after mulling over it for a while. I decided to fuck it all. I'm going to talk the way I talk, which call it the most insecure manner of talking, if you like (but oxymoron, I have to be quite confident to talk in the most insecure manner, or I'm just really foolish to not/refuse to learn) I would however talk from it, the need to be more concious to change to speaking in a more assertive, confident manner when i deal with people who will help/influence/affect my carrer. However again, this doesn't really apply to my current situation, as office is quite a causal, informal setting. The benefits of being assertive will not have a much greater impact than if I didn't use such language.

Love is

I've been thinking over the weekend (not like I've not stop thinking about it) and was wondering how to define love or in broader terms a relationship.

A quick summary would be: love is learning to love an imperfect stranger.

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Progression by what measures

There's this ex collegue who's slightly younger than me. And now I've got word that she managed to get a job at a company, who deals with high net worth clients and she's now a manager. I'm guessing 1 day, I might have to report to her.

Personally, in terms of underwriting skills, I do not think I'm worse than her? I can't say for certain cause we've never compare notes or have work under the same person to make a comparision. But taking into consideration that she use to help out with banca underwriting while I do group and individual life. My exposure is more than hers. The only thing that i do not do currrently is financial underwriting. But she's doing ALU and maybe that makes a difference. I dare not do it for I need to study the human antomy.

So that's a measurement of progression by 1 measure. I'm still at the same job, with no promotion 3 years on. But I'm happy.

Sure there's that someone that's like a torn in the flesh that's half pulled out. But to be realistic, there's no perfect envoirment. This gets really close to the dream situation. Anyway the torn should right about go in a month's time.

I've got my right and left angels to make me smile everyday. 2 generals in front to support me. 1 joker 2 seats away. There's more that I could ask for, for sure. Better pay! So measure this progression with when i first started 3 years ago and more or less ran solo.

Making the 1st move

I don't ask people out, I wait. A few reasons I can think of.

1) People have better plans than to go out with me. I'm not the high of the party. That's not my character. (I'm kind of boring)
2) I've no idea where to go or what to do. So how am I going to ask someone out?
3) I don't want come across over earnest or too desperate or whatever.

Othertimes I wonder if it's really that hard to ask people out. Why should it be that hard.

THEN

I'm remined that almost everytime I initiate something, it flops. So why bother.

Metamorphosis ramble

The word just came into my mind and I so need to blog. Or rather ramble. As usual there’s more on my plate of thoughts than there should be. There’s only 1 thing I’ll say in return. Maybe 2. 1)I can’t help it. 2)It’s just me. So then actually it’s 1 – I can’t help it, it’s just me.

So all that random semi process thought came to the word: metamorphosis. Unlike the caterpillar, which has pretty much a fixed timing (maybe +/- a week or 2), the human is constantly evolving. Situations, people cause direct and indirect changes and it affects us and we react and in the process learn or change ourselves. So really, I don’t know who has it better, the caterpillar or us. The caterpillar does it all at 1 shot, and the changes are lock in. While we have to go through the endless process and often more than not, we don’t get it right the first time.

2 guys in a day

Now the moon must be made of blue cheese today and the cow jump over it.

Got to know 2 new guys over the net today. Guy W and Guy P

Guy P
saw him profile before but never paid attention to it. Happened to open it up somehow earlier this week and read through it. Found what he wrote attractive. I've no idea why but yeah I pretty much went through the whole thing (several paragraphs) and replied accordingly. It was just an instant feeling that there's so much potential for him to be a good friend. The vibe was really good, right. Good friend, unlikely to progress any further than that.

So only managed to get to chat proper with him today. The past 2 days was really trying. About him. I don't like his name. He stays really near. He's rich! He's my age. There's something melacholic about him that's attractive.

Guy W
This is a slightly younger boy, at 26. I've never tried that age before. He looks cute, physically he reminds me of hawick lau (HK actor), base on the 2 pics I've seen of him online. But there's this fine line, where depending on how flat his lower face is can make him a superstart looker or just totally wrong. So he didn't leave too much of an impression. But the flesh is weak so I gave him my number, thinking at the back of my head that I've been con. It's a fake pic and they're getting my number for some spam or list to sell to some insurance/property agent. Anyway he texted me this moring and we've been texting the whole day. That's impressive.

The only thing both of them have in common is that they're both in the finance sector. P is a forex trader and W is a banker.

Globalization & the spread of disease

Globalization brings forth a lot of things. Commonly associated; economic development, technology transfer. What we tend to forget is that globalization had its foot print as early as 2 millenniums ago. Fast forward to the 21st century and the pace of globalization like everything else moves at an astonishing pace.

Flip side of the coin? environmental damage, cultural dilution are the 2 issues that get much of the publicity. But hidden behind both issues and growing at a steady pace, the spread of disease.

This is especially so with the prevalence of air travel. The classic example at hand would be SARS, how they had to trace each and every person on the plane and because people of different nationality go on to the plane and do transit travels, disease gets spread to all parts of the world.

Example 2 would be the prosperity of a country and the aggressiveness of its tourism board. This country host quite a few world events on an annual basis. F1 for instance. And where the rich men flock to play, the pretty hookers are sure to follow. Granted that, the spread of disease (sexually) might not have such a huge impact given that it’s mainly the foreign rich that hook up with the foreign hookers. So another instance where it hits closer to home, Chinese nationals. You’ll see them at the red light district. I was even told that the china nurses do moonlighting a few street from their hospital!

With the rampant spread of disease, which isn’t always physically detectable, it’s hard to tell if the person next to you is a carrier of 1 or another condition. Thus there are several NGO that are promoting safe sex. Things might have changed from this decade to the next, but the old saying prevention is better than cure still stands.

Moving into HIV, I personally know 2 people who are positive. While I do not see their downsides, I would say they’re getting along fine with life upfront. The unspoken struggles and pain behind closed doors, I can only imagine. The constant need to check T cell counts, and daily medication serves not only as daily life preservation but also the daily dose of reality.

The horrible thing about that disease is that it’s permanent. In this part of the world, there’s no insurance coverage for the disease. Hepatitis B, which is also infectious, and possibility sexually transmitted, and might cause liver damage in the long run. However the former totally kills your immunity system. Also unlike Hepatitis B, there’s no vaccine for it. Lastly in Asia, Hepatitis B carriers are about 15-20% of the population and more often than not it’s inherited from the parent and thus does not carry the stigma of a HIV patient. Mobility and Mortality rates are also way higher.

And unlike the 70s/80s where less was known about the disease. People just knew there was no cure and that death came knocking much fast. People were scared into using condoms as the best measure of prevention. Came the 90s/00 where more information’s available and people learn that while you’ll die form it. Life preservation is still possible and all those scary pictures are end stage full blown Aids. And humans never like to think of unpleasant too far into the future. Carnal pleasures def take 1st place. So off came the condoms and up went the figures.

Globalization is definitely not within our control, no amount of protest will slow down its pace. The vices it’s brings however, can be reduced through education and funding of NGOs that promote its cause. With the sharing of scientific information/research we can only hope a cure is in it for the near future.

Occupational Hazard

It's getting worse. Previously in another entry, I wrote that it's about profiling people. They're risk medically, lifestyle and about being skeptical about people, cause people tend to lie in their application.

Lately it's taken a bad turn personally. Now I start thinking if I'm sick, if there's any underlying casue. A cough is no longer simply a cough. I start to think if there's something more to it. It's quite unsettling really.

It doesn't help that the body starts its degeneration in about a year's time as well.

The process of ageing

So henceforth, there shall be a new tag/label - Health. By having this new tag its a reconigation that one has pretty much primed out the better years and it's going to be a downhill ride from here.

Come to think about it, the peak is really short. The first 20 yrs of your life you spent growing. Then next 10 are the golden ages. Cherish it! Where really health concerns are at the back of your mind. As you approach the big 30. Back pains, that might be the no1 aliment that everyone faces. Soon there'll be the worry about blood test results. Cholesterol and hypertension becomes a bit more common around you. Before you know it. CA125, CA19.9, PSA and the rest of the tumor markers become table topics. And when there are 4 big candles on your cake, you start celebrating your first normal colonscopy,gastroscopy. Fast forward a little more, arthritis, osteopenia, osteoprosis. Then it won't be when was your last visit to the mall but rather to your doctors.

Then the fear of every man starts to kick in. erectile dysfunction. Should we all cheer the little blue pill? Pfizer got it right with that invention though. 8? good years of patent rights have all but finish. Blue chip advise: Do not invest in pharmaceutical's but rather in healthcare. ie: hospitals.

Bloggin - The lack thereof

I reckon the reason for it is simple. Simple? Well I realize I can't blog cause I'm too influence by certain writing styles. Mainly that of news articles. Economist, and of late New York Times. They do write well and yes, I hope to emulate them. And yes, I need practice to get there.

There has to be a point(s) in the whole blog entry. Of which, some of you might disagree. But why blog if you don't have a point? and for that matter one that couldn't be elaborated? Then it'll just be factual reporting which I believe can be done in 160 words - tweet!

Which explains why I heading that direction more often. Maybe I should take 5 tweets, elaborate them and make that 1 blog entry. Worth a shot! It'll be of a decent length, decent content and will have more than 1 point. (But it feels like cheating as well)

So there's the catch 22 situation. I need to blog to be able to be of a certain standard, yet not being of a certain standard deters me from blogging. (I must say though, this feeble attempt sure bets you's Mr Lau)

I still have lots of ideas in my mind, of things I wanna say. But the lack of concrete point(s) deters me from doing so. I don't want it to become a dear diary of what I did today that's for sure.

I need my muse!

Taking stock

Its time to take stock of the relationships. Not that this a special day to do the evaluation. But it's been a long time since there's been an entry. Still lots on my mind. Always is, has, been.
Yet i appear carefree to people. It's a blessing to be able to be carefree. It's stressful mostly and it's a good feeling.

In the last 3 months.
I've lost a friend. Which is quite a pity but might not be a bad thing after all. We need to be forward looking.

I've gone no where in dating with this guy. Its been a small roller coaster ride. Which is better than a monotonous smooth one. But it leaves one clueless. Just when things seem to be getting better, suddenly it goes in the opposite direction and when you least expect it changes direction again.

I've gotten closer to 2 people at work. Now there's a mini group. I've found comfort in them. Someone who understands what I go through and I understand what they go through as well. Changes for the good at happening at work. Those who skive, will find it much harder to skive soon. Forces are working to the person's disadvantage.

I've managed to spent sometime with the aussie chicks. Even though a just a bit. I've seen Ms G more often this 2 yrs than in the entire past 8 yrs?

G out of the blue what's app me. The boy's got iphone! I like him! But it's just 1 of those weird mysteries that I never figure out why, you just aren't the best of chums somehow. Everything seems in place except for that 1 particular thing, that you've no idea what. Perhaps the missing ingrident is Fate. But if it's missing you won't have cross paths.

M looks so cute in his cardigan. Told him and next thing it was his FB profile pic. haha. That's one person who I always wonder if I'm in his life enough or if I'm just neglecting him. But he's got his own life.

I think i've neglected R also.

It's back to the pre 08 days, where life is no longer sexcandalous. It's back to the dull old boring drawing board. With the increase prevelence of STD/HIV. It's not a bad thing. But it does feel boring.

Increasingly, the financial future seems bleaker. With hearing success stories a plenty last week. A is a finance manager in Singtel, B is a audit manager in DT who now has her own river valley condo and mini soon after giving up her alfa. C with her husband is selling off their old condo to get a new 1.4M one. D earns 70k p.a. E who's some private banker or sorts get to fly to HQ Zurich for work. F at my age was offered partnership @ 1 of the big 4 audit firms (kind of skeptical of the last 1) So where does this leave me? And just this lunch, boss painted a really bleak view of our job. The other companines have longer working hours. Though they pay much more. And things at our side don't seem too bright as well. My collegue will prolly be the next in line to get promoted, not me. Though it does make sense. Thus my pay is going to be stuck for quite sometime.

Yeshy, some good news to end it off. I'm enjoying my tweets and the meet ups with A and his boy.

Love-poem

Love is a magliant cancer.
It slowly eats you away from within.
It devours your soul, leaving you desperate.
In the worse situations there's no remedy to curb to the pain and suffering.
This is what is commonly known as the break up.


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Predetermined destiny

From a religious approach, this definitely stands true, regardless of which ever religion it is. We believe that we were born for a purpose and it’s our destiny to fulfill that. In Taoism, if you are gifted to be a medium then one must use those gifts otherwise one will be ‘cursed’ with health problems. In Christianity, as much as Jonah tried to run away from his destiny, he couldn’t. End up being swallowed by a whale and brought to his destination.

In this modern world we live in however, we’re taught to be self made mans. That our future, our destiny lies in our hands. Education can propel us to a better future, not the color of your skin. That its hard work and not the pedigree of your family name or your position in your social caste system that gets you where you should be.

And that is true no doubt about it. However this education propelling you to the front of the line notion is only applicable for the bourgeois. The rich, especially with old money play a different game altogether. Evident in pop culture – gossip girls. Upper east siders play by their own rules. Old money stays within old money. It gets transacted from family A to B, B to C but never to Z.

In a closer note to home and to the heart, what prompted this thought was by looking at the gays in Singapore. You look at a teenager gay, you could predict his future with a 90% accuracy. Basically it’s not hard to be a gay fortune teller. You’ll know how he’ll dress up, the company he’ll hang out with, to the number of times he’ll go clubbing and hit the gym (or not).

And that prediction never deviates far. Each individual would have access to any sort of information/resources they need, yet the outcome will be predictable. Type Alpha Gay, Type Hunky Barbie, Type Chub & Chaser, Type Circuit Kid, Type sex Fiend, Type Teenage Twerp. The category is pre determined from day 1. Which makes me wonder why fight predetermined destiny, or if anyone of us are actually fighting it.