A date after so long

So i got to know Mr K on 31/12/10. We met today. A good 5 months later.

Mr K look great in his pictures. Has a really good job. Audit manager @ the age of 31. (which makes me think at the age of 30, i am totally screwed up). And there was something different about him and the way he look at things compared to the Aj majority.

So we have been chatting casually here and there, now and then about nothing in particular. And so decided to meet finally.

The feeling of meeting up for a proper date was exciting and thrilling. At 30, it loses the excitement a 18 year old will feel. And maybe if i priss about myself enough on a daily basis, i won't even have felt that excited. Yeah, i'm a lazy thing, that can never bother with my hair. And i didn't again. But i took a picture and asked my friend if it was alright. Stepping out, i felt a bit wardrobe malfunction, shouldn't have chosen such a tight top.

Well i definitely got the answer to my question on how for an MNC, Asian operations are more profitable but we are less productive. We put in longer hours cause we dive into things, where else they tend to work less cause they have the luxury? to think about the problem at hand before they do it.

Back to the date, it didn't go that great. Maybe i was asking too much, I was expecting to have that kind of cozy, old time friend relationship with him instantly. But that does happen in life and a lot more on tv. I must have bored him, he was twitching with his mobile quite a fair bit.

Gay Relationships 301

So i had a talk with a friend today and did some reflection and came up with the following. Perhaps not the most qualified to comment on relationships myself but tell me i don't have a point!

A relationship needs to evolve, it needs to change. Fortunately or otherwise, being Aj means a higher tendency to get bored with the monotonous. Unlike str8 relationships where there is an end eventually, you get married and have kids. There isn't such end for aj relationships. There is no marriage to speak of, no kids to rise. Thus there is no direction that both people can work towards compared to a str8 couple.

So then the essence of finding your way through a relationship, through the happy years of sweet honeymoon with the occasional flights, though the years that follow of dullsville, lies in communication.

Now communication is a tricky thing. Talking doesn't equate to communication. Listening doesn't equate to communication either. Getting the other party to understand what you really want and getting a consensus is communication.

For instance, both of you could talk about apples, but if 1 has the idea of a red apple, while the other is thinking of a green one. Then there has been no proper communication. In which you end up square one.

And if a couple cannot communicate such that both know what exactly the other is talking about without the presumption, then please wonder and ask and answer, what relationship is there?

And still on relationships

Going back to the last blog. That was how i felt about relationships but wasn't entirely certain if its was true. True as in logical. And on 31.1.11 I did a Gallup Strengthfinder test. Which when i got the results back, the elaboration of each strength was correct but it was unexpected in the sense that no other test did tell me the same thing.

So a bit more on the test, there are 34 strengths and elaboration for the top 5. 1 of the strength is call Relator. Details below:

Relator describes your attitude toward your relationships. In simple terms, the Relator theme pulls you toward people you already know. You do not necessarily shy away from meeting new people—in fact, you may have other themes that cause you to enjoy the thrill of turning strangers into friends—but you do derive a great deal of pleasure and strength from being around your close friends. You are comfortable with intimacy. Once the initial connection has been made, you deliberately encourage a deepening of the relationship. You want to understand their feelings, their goals, their fears, and their dreams; and you want them to understand yours. You know that this kind of closeness implies a certain amount of risk—you might be taken advantage of—but you are willing to accept that risk. For you a relationship has value only if it is genuine. And the only way to know that is to entrust yourself to the other person. The more you share with each other, the more you risk together. The more you risk together, the more each of you proves your caring is genuine. These are your steps toward real friendship, and you take them willingly.

Im prolly slight different to different people. for instance, some people think i'm creative which i don't really think so. I've got an interest in design and all but that doesn't mean I'm creative. Maybe it's good marketing on my part. But back to the above, it reasserts what i thought was correct in the previous post. Its reassuring to have gotten that. Even though, yes i should not base my whole life on 1 test i did, but then again, we eventually aim for the highest possible education we can get and somehow or rather our whole career/life is base on that top piece of qualification.

The intimacy part is up for debate, since i shy/run/speed away from any boy-boy relationship. Talking about the deliberately encouraging a deepening of relationship. This is the part that kills me. Refer to previous post, otherwise i'll just be rambling what i rambled before Again. I might not be that forthcoming with the sharing part but thats cause I've been proven quite correctly on more than a few times, that people tend to be I focus, so hey, as long as that works and deepens the r/s, okay!

The need for strong relationships

2010 ended quite dramatic if you ask me.

But reflecting on the high strung end, I've come to learn/realize a few things.

I'm happy to have the people around me. I was told today, by Mr M that he tells me everything (though i think it's almost not everything) Last night, Randale opened up to me. Which was a pleasant surprise. We've known each other for about 10 years and we have never spoken like that. So I thought about it and realize that I'm quite different from most people. I do not really have casual friends. Theres a deep bond between most of my friends and they mean a lot to me. Even my 2 colleague's, i'll consider them more as friends. I've never imagine that I'll be texting them now and then to check out how they are dealing with motherhood. Things that cannot be said within common friends within the group, I know it all. And I've become someone's bestie. (not sure if i'm happy about that or not. Being labelled means you cld fall from grace.)

So I was upset, got to know a few people last year and I can't seem to connect with them. And the point of being upset didn't seem rationale cause, there's no bond with them. The way i got to know them was not excatly condusive to built a relationship. So there really was no need to get upset. But I figured out the reason was more about that since i'm having such wonderful relationships with people. It just upsetting that the same isn't happening with them. Not so much wheather they're worth it or not or if the enviornment right for it or not.

But that's a part of reality that I need to realize. Actually I realize it but when you want to 'own' a person, it tend to not sick in. I know that it's not possible to have such relationship with people. But the realization of it being harder and harder to find new relationships, that's depressing and thus perhaps propels one to try much harder to secure 'worthy'/worthy people to create and built the bond.

Classification

Part of my job would be to classify risk. We do risk profiling and base on the risks, we try to rate them off. This usually works well for most cases. There are some cases whereby you don't know how to classify the risk, which baskets to place them in. That's where it gets tricky.

On a personal life basis, I always had and still have the bad? habit of trying to classify people. The more I can't classify them, the more intrigue I'll be and the more fascinated and harder I'll try.

I'm not sure if this habit of mine has been intensified due to my job.

I would say that this is a gift, skill that i've learnt well. (apart from people lying to me about their age) But I'm starting to think that this shouldn't be applied to everyone. Maybe I'm making life hard for myself in wanting to do this classification for everyone. Really, right or wrong, won't make a difference if the person's not going to stay and will disappear soon enough.

In my quest to classify them, sometimes I give them multiple roles. Ie: Sex,Friend,Potential. Maybe the best way to go about it would be to have everyone a singular role. I believe most people do that except me.

Mr Stability

Here comes a new character, Mr L. Which is totally the opposite of Mr Fuckalicious. Mr L as the title suggest is really good for a long(er) term relationship. He's really husband material. Stability, Commitment, Practical. All the virtues one would want to find for a relationship. Add in that cause Mr L, flies for a living, there's so much more individual space. That comes as an added bonus.

But anything long term requires stability, and that lacks the unpredictable excitement, the adrenaline rush. The honeymoon period of being forlorn prolly only lasted half a month. It's been only 3 months, though it seem a bit longer than that.

At the end of the day, the problem is this: you can bring the boy out of the party, but you can't bring the party out of the boy.

I've given up settling down for many years now. It just doesn't seem that possible/realistic. Maybe it's an evasion of potential problems that i decide to back down from the start. But 1 school of thought is that you shldn't live your life like that. It's not living everyday to the fullest. The other however, is why jump into something you fully know won't work out eventually?

Mr Fuckalicious

I have to return to blogging for this entry as it has been quite an experience. I haven got fucked (in more ways than 1) by a guy for a really long time. And amnesia seems to be occuring as the numbers on the cake keep jumping. It's good to keep a written record.

Mr S, as he shall be known. (S isn't taken up and does repesent him well). Raunchy details I will not go into. But it has been a long time since anyone made me that insecure. And I realize subsequently from the conversations I had with him. I was trying to quantify myself every sentance.

Its weird how I'm being bugged by language of all things. People will be bugged by more practical/realistic things like when will I see him again, if he likes me. Things along those lines.

It bugged me so badly I sought some advice.


What i wrote to was:

(boy induced) but i think the way i speaks kind of lack confident. its the way the sentence is constructed. Been bothered for 2 days. I can only think of 1 example off hand right now

I'll say: technically speaking. I'm the most sober person.
He'll say: i'm the most sober person.

The first 2 words seem to make a lot of difference?

Another example: I think u'll find that i'm quite a good friend and you'll recommmend me to anyone suitable VS I know u'll find that i'm quite a good friend and you'll recommmend me to anyone suitable

and when i think about it now, it seems like i'm trying to justify myself, that my opinion is quantified.


The technical answer I got was this:

I suck at sociolinguistics, so i found this: "A qualifier is a word or phrase that changed how absolute, certain or generalized a statement is."
In your two examples (plus more in your msg - you used three qualifiers in your first two sentences alone!), the qualifiers are those of certainty.
so, yes - in statements asserting your opinions, you self-qualify, and that suggests:- uncertainty; - a desire to please; - looking for an escape route because you're unable to prove/defend your statement if and when challenged.

in your first example, "technically speaking" suggests the speaker is being (pre-emptively) defensive, just in case their statement is challenged by somebody. "technically speaking" is the escape route. the second example is all mixed messages! while it's true that "i know" is more assertive than "i think", again, the relative qualifier "quite" suggests the anticipation of a challenge to one's assertion. otoh, what can be inferred from both sentences in the second example is some self-confidence in one's ability to be so good a friend as to warrant another's recommendation.

But after mulling over it for a while. I decided to fuck it all. I'm going to talk the way I talk, which call it the most insecure manner of talking, if you like (but oxymoron, I have to be quite confident to talk in the most insecure manner, or I'm just really foolish to not/refuse to learn) I would however talk from it, the need to be more concious to change to speaking in a more assertive, confident manner when i deal with people who will help/influence/affect my carrer. However again, this doesn't really apply to my current situation, as office is quite a causal, informal setting. The benefits of being assertive will not have a much greater impact than if I didn't use such language.

Love is

I've been thinking over the weekend (not like I've not stop thinking about it) and was wondering how to define love or in broader terms a relationship.

A quick summary would be: love is learning to love an imperfect stranger.

- Posted using BlogPress from Sethologick

Progression by what measures

There's this ex collegue who's slightly younger than me. And now I've got word that she managed to get a job at a company, who deals with high net worth clients and she's now a manager. I'm guessing 1 day, I might have to report to her.

Personally, in terms of underwriting skills, I do not think I'm worse than her? I can't say for certain cause we've never compare notes or have work under the same person to make a comparision. But taking into consideration that she use to help out with banca underwriting while I do group and individual life. My exposure is more than hers. The only thing that i do not do currrently is financial underwriting. But she's doing ALU and maybe that makes a difference. I dare not do it for I need to study the human antomy.

So that's a measurement of progression by 1 measure. I'm still at the same job, with no promotion 3 years on. But I'm happy.

Sure there's that someone that's like a torn in the flesh that's half pulled out. But to be realistic, there's no perfect envoirment. This gets really close to the dream situation. Anyway the torn should right about go in a month's time.

I've got my right and left angels to make me smile everyday. 2 generals in front to support me. 1 joker 2 seats away. There's more that I could ask for, for sure. Better pay! So measure this progression with when i first started 3 years ago and more or less ran solo.

Making the 1st move

I don't ask people out, I wait. A few reasons I can think of.

1) People have better plans than to go out with me. I'm not the high of the party. That's not my character. (I'm kind of boring)
2) I've no idea where to go or what to do. So how am I going to ask someone out?
3) I don't want come across over earnest or too desperate or whatever.

Othertimes I wonder if it's really that hard to ask people out. Why should it be that hard.

THEN

I'm remined that almost everytime I initiate something, it flops. So why bother.